Breaking News! Manhunt underway for Canada’s most dangerous engineers

CALGARY, Alberta – The search for a number of Alberta-area engineers is underway starting from Red Deer with a perimeter that will expand to cover all of Alberta.

The manhunt is being worked by multiple authorities including the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, local police services in Calgary and Edmonton with their HAWC helicopters, and the newly formed EGP-SWAT team assembled by APEGA.

The authorities have warrants for their arrest stemming from illegal activity and gross professional misconduct. Authorities warn the public to not approach these individuals since they could be weird and dangerous.

They are asking the public to not make eye contact with any of them, which shouldn’t be very difficult since making eye contact is very difficult for engineers in general. The suspects are described as follows:

  • Rocky “Stone Hands” Rockerson: Male, 32 years old, 6’2″, 220 lbs. Rocky is wanted in connection with a pump jack incident that sent 3 people to a Swan Hills area hospital with critical injuries. According to local RCMP, the once decorated production engineer with PNRL somehow cranked up a Pumpkin Mark II 912D-305-192 pumpjack to an astonishing 120 stokes per minute in an effort pump off a highly productive well. After catastrophically disconnecting from the walking beam, the horse head flew through the air and crashed into a 12-person protestant church on the outskirts of the small town.

    Geraldo Nikolao
  • Geraldo “The Bouncer” Nikolao: Male, 62 years old, 5’8″, 115 lbs. This seasoned 27-year reservoir engineer with Calgary-based Tickle Creek Energy is on the run for booking false oil reserves in the state of Colorado. He, in cahoots with Mickey Magoo of the U.S. Security and Exchange Commission, skipped town shortly after booking 17 TCF of proven gas reserves to a 2 section, 3 well unconventional gas play in the Marcellus area. Based on this false data, the criminal duo bilked Canadian and American investors out of close to $43 million dollars.
  • Susan “Scarlet” O’Shea: Female, 27 years old, 5’9″, 34-28-34, 122 lbs. This conniving firey red-headed bombshell of a field-based Exploitation Engineer with Bendovus Energy reportedly embezzled over $1.5M dollars from her employer on a completion AFE. She allegedly supp’d the original $250,000 completion AFE 21 times for an additional $1.5M while claiming that the fracking operation required more and more and more water because the reservoir had femtodarcy perm. She pocketed every penny and fled the scene in a pink Cadillac Escalade EXT.
  • Lindsay McJohnson: Unknown, 41 years old, 6’1″, 189 lbs. A Continent-wide warrant was issued for McJohnson’s arrest for his role in injuring over 250 geologists at the 2013 North American Geologists Convention held late last fall. The facilities engineering phenom with Trans Canadian Pipelines (the brain child behind the train pipe), single-handedly created a sophisticated system of pipelines to carry poisonous arsenic pentaflouride from a near-by processing plant to tie into the CO2 system that charged the kegs of beer at the venue. He is wanted on 253 counts of causing bodily harm. The original charges of attempted murder were dropped since the geologists took some blame for the inordinate amounts of beer consumed at the annual event.

Christian Lay, a forensic investigator visiting from Vietnam who is an expert in tracking down rogue engineers, tells people to be on the lookout for these individuals, but to report any sightings to authorities to lead to their capture and arrest.

Tommy Lay
Christian Lay, investigator

These guy may not be armed with weapons, but they can be equally dangerous with their awfully dry personalities. You have been forewarned.

You will likely spot them in the Radio Shacks or the Future Shops annoying the salespeople with questions that are well beyond the scope of the normal shopping process. Many of them will appear dodgy.

If you have any information that could lead to the arrest of these individuals, please report it to the APEGA EGP-SWAT Team, 2P News, or local police immediately. 2P News will keep you abreast on developments as they become available.