President Obama cancels KeystoneXL, unveils MegaCanal project

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama announced this morning a plan to cancel the KeystoneXL pipeline.  Instead, he is moving forward with an unprecedented plan to transport oil across North America.  With the untimely failures to transport oil by Trainpipe, Ass, or pumping it into river systems, alternatives to the massive pipeline project seemed impossible.

But thanks to Ronny Dirkwood of Pukk Touch, Alabama, Mr. Obama may be ready to throw trillions of Chinese yuan at the solution: To dredge a MegaCanal from Louisiana to Ft. McMurray, and have it continue on to western British Columbia near Prince Rupert.  Actually, the project will use a series of large canals and terminals, that would allow oil tankers to haul petroleum products directly to and from many producing areas throughout North America, and on to any of their international or domestic markets.

Ronny Dirkwood & wife/sister Hazel Dirkwood
Ronny Dirkwood & wife/sister Hazel Dirkwood

I dreamt up this project when my youngins were diggin flood tenches in tha yard ‘side Jimmie-Bob’s hutnin’ shack.  They’s drainin’ the mirk water from his garden by carvin little rivers with old soup cans.  I figureds hey, why not build’em biguns for tankers?  Then my kin don’t have to march up in the cities to keep them pipes outta thar yards. – Ronny Dirkwood, MegaCanal project founder and ex-moonshiner

The announcement has left some staggering to find a reason why a MegaCanal is a better alternative to the KeystoneXL project.   Industry insiders are claiming that the cost of the tankers alone would be astronomical.  States along the proposed MegaCanal route are already starting to fight tooth and nail to keep the massive undertaking out of their state.

While pipelines are built underground and can be hidden from view, this project plans to cut a 100 yard swath through over 40 states, and includes modifying the width and depth of existing rivers to accommodate over 35 ports for loading and unloading at existing or planned terminals.

MegaCanal planned route in blue, termials in red, expected completion by 2030, with over 50 working Tankers at any given time
MegaCanal planned route in blue, termials in red, expected completion by 2030, with over 50 active tankers at any given time
Jimmy Kreigan, Idaho Senator
Jimmy Kreigan, Idaho Senator

This plan is going to put a man-made river through so much of our state we may as well be 2 states.  North and South Idaho?  That sounds really nice.  Maybe I’ll name my wife’s boobs Left Donna and Right Donna?  Obama needs a one-way ticket on Branson’s Spaceplane to be dropped off on the moon. – Jimmy Kreigan, Idaho Senator

While the project is still in its concept stage, Obama has made it a talking point to ensure that he is behind the project and will not fail to call in markers to get it completed as fast as possible to ensure the economic success of his country’s most profitable commodity. The MegaCanal promises to do this.

And with an expected 18 years of extraordinary efforts of manual labour required to excavate and widen the new and existing rivers and canals, it will create jobs.  In fact, Guinness has already asked if President Obama would like to enter the project as a world record for the most number of labourers working on a government project.  A record currently held by King Tutt-Amun-Ra-Ko of Egypt, 3rd Dynasty.

obamaI will stand…  and always have stood… behind the energy sector. While somewhat divided… remaining to be… a success.  This MegaCanal will… endearingly be… a plan we can call all-American, with an eye to the sky… for our neighbours to the north and the south… with keen eyes avail themselves to the light… that is the United States of America (applause).

I will ensure… that this MegaCanal sees an end… with jobs, and families… and a car for every man, woman, and child.  And with this MegaCanal I have a vision… to the future of funding for ObamaCare, and for the continual improvement of our failing educational systems, both here and abroad.  May God save our souls. – Obama’s MegaCanal endorsement over the weekend

7 COMMENTS

  1. @ Don: Your concern is very valid. Why would the fire stop at the US border? It is conceivable that a leak that caught fire could spread to Canada and Mexico, and heck, across both the Atlantic and the Pacific Oceans, too. I hope Obama has considered these contingencies.

  2. Yeah we’ll be seeing light alright! Sounds like a destructive plan to me and a set up for America to cease to be at the hands of 1 match! A megacanal would be better idea for water containment to stop flooding and an available water source for putting out wild fires. After all isn’t that what canals are for…water not oil? Think of the wildlife it could destroy and children accidentally falling in it. This is nonsense and makes no sense! I agree with the Idaho Senator, send him to the moon and let him build a Megacanal there!