Hookers and lookers and nookie that swings
These are a few of my favorite things
When the crabs bite and to pee stings
And when I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad
CALGARY, Alberta – With this stirring opening number adapted from the Sound of Music and sung by the Bendovus Barbershop Quartet, the first annual Bendovus Energy Musical Extravaganza kicked off in the lobby of the Beau Tower in downtown Calgary last Friday night. The lure of loud music and free beer brought in an overflow capacity crowd.
Responding to complaints from the community that Bendovus only supported events associated with Stampede, the Human Resources Department organized the Extravaganza with the assistance of the University of Calgary Music Department. Faculty members of UCal agreed to serve as judges for a competition. Choruses, choirs, barbershop quartets and other music groups were invited to participate and vie for a number of generous prizes. However, given Bendovus’s reputation, no churches or civic organizations accepted the invitation. Fortunately there were more than enough acceptances from industry and private groups.
Competition was spirited and the judges had to confer heatedly for a long time to decide on the winners:
Satan’s Own Barbershop Quartet from Wanker Oil Co. won the Riotous Cacaphony Award with rousing renditions of Two Old Maids, Bang Bang Lulu, The Boar Hog Song and Sally Don’t Dally in the Alley. There was something in their set to offend almost everyone.
The Axxis Chemical group, the Acetones, won the Originality Award for their composition, If You Can’t Smell It, It Can’t Hurt You. There were protests from some of the other entrants, saying that this was blatant advertising, but the judges felt the artistic merit outweighed the commercialism.
Moosepeace Beer sponsored The Intoxication Trio who fumbled their way through Ethanol, Methanol, It’s All Just the Same. This was sung a capella because they got drunk early at the Moosepeace hospitality room and forgot to bring their instruments. They didn’t win anything but are being mentioned in this article because they didn’t throw up on stage, earning the gratitude of all those present.
The Grand Prize was won by Cheaterson Energy’s orchestra and chorale, the Anal Zephyrs. Their adaptation of Mason Williams’ instrumental, Classical Gas (retitled Assical Gas), was performed using armpit flatulence and supplemented during certain tricky crescendos with hand-operated Whoopie Cushions, duck calls and kazoos.
In light of a promised injunction from municipal authorities, it is likely that this is also the last annual Bendovus Energy Musical Extravaganza.