Alison Redford to change her name and image to regain support

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Alison Redford

EDMONTON, Alberta – She spent almost $45,000 to travel to a funeral in South Africa (surprised to learn that the trip cost that much days after her return); she incurred $3,500 of incremental costs to bring her daughter and her daughter’s friend on the Province’s private jet (because she is “not only the Premier of Alberta, but also a mother”), and a botched surgery left her with a permanent frown.

One of her backbench MLAs left her cabinet to become independent (because he alleged that she bullied him and beat him up); she is currently under fire for having taxpayers foot the bill for her new and very exotic $13,400 Kurilian Bobtail cat, and her public approval rating has fallen off a cliff amid a caucus revolt.

What’s next for the Kitimat, BC-born leader of Alberta’s Progressive Conservatives? A new name and a new image.

According to reports leaked by unnamed members of her cabinet, Alison Redford figures that she can regain public confidence and PC party support if she takes on a racier persona under the new name Barbie Cummings. Yes. Premier Barbie Cummings. Her executive assistant explains:

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Brad Stables

It’s true. Barbie Cummings will be my boss’s new name. She has asked me to fill out and submit the paperwork before the end of this week. She has also asked me to spend no more than $10,000 of *ahem* her money at Edmonton’s Nightshade Corsets to completely revamp her wardrobe with items that are a little bit more, shall I say, fun. This is going to be interesting. I look forward to the new Alison Redford, and I believe Albertans from coast-to-coast will also embrace her new image. – Brad Stables, executive love kitten to Barbie Cummings

A name change and a more main-stream-movie-star look for Redford may boost her up in the poles, but analysts are unsure if this is a wise move for the 60 something conservative.  Many are unsure if she could pull it off without looking like a retired prostitute. On the other hand Mitch Newvelt, Professor of political science at Mount Royal University, thinks the idea is stellar.

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Mitch Newvelt of MRU

I just love the new concept.  A whole new Redford from her hair to her name.  If she takes it a step further and gets some other enhancements, she might just be able to pull the pole numbers Christy Clark does. Yes, she needs to spend more time with Christy Clark. – Professor Newvelt

Maybe better.  Christy Clark has been voted the hottest premier in Canada, but with a name like Barbie, there are bound to be future generations of voters lining up.  Legal council for the owners of the Barbie trademark are deciding whether to file a suit against Redford, but in all likelihood it won’t matter, as Alberta taxpayers will pay for that too.