Alberta NDP introduces new tax incentives

EDMONTON, Alberta – A stunning discovery this week by Balgol News weather anchor Justin Schnitzell has pushed the new NDP government to publicize its latest travesty.

The NDP has devised a new tax incentive plan for Albertans as a way to drive the province out of its oil and gas dependency.  The discovery began innocently enough while Justin was researching the invasive smoke that has been blanketing Alberta for over 10 days.

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Justin following the smoke in his paraglider

“I decided the best way to get a handle on the smoke scenario was to get up in my paraglider and see for myself.  First hand observation is just good weather science.  When I reached my cruising altitude I saw the smoke trending from the north, which was not what we were being told on the ground.  I followed up and discovered it was actually coming from the parliament buildings in Edmonton.  Apparently Notley and the NDP have reverted their heating system to a coal burning system to reduce dependence on the oil sands.  All the smoke was coming from their new heating systems, it just happened to increase in density in the southern portion of the province.” – Justin Schnitzell, Balgol News reporter

After Calgary-based Balgol News broke the news of Smokegate 2015 yesterday, the NDP was forced to push a press release forward with their new tax incentive plan for 2016.

According to the televised release, every Albertan who switches their natural gas and electric heating systems for coal burning systems will be given a 20% income tax break every year the NDP remains in power.

In addition to the tax breaks, the NDP also claim that they are adamant about reviving coal mining in the province and creating a new job market for out of work oil and gas employees.

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Jackylyn Foxtrotted, NDP spokeswoman

“We see coal as a way to the future for Alberta.  The stuff is hard and lumpy, can’t leak out of a pipeline, we can haul it in gravel trucks and we all know there are millions of those in Alberta.  If we can revive the use of coal we can cut our dependence on oil and gas by 90% in 10 years according to our Lipsys Keyed poll.  We can have coal mines thriving and the oilsands shut down for good if we all work hard at it.  We are proud to say that the NDP may change the way Alberta does business for ever.” – Jackylyn Foxtrotted, Official spokeswoman of the Premier’s Secretary’s Agent’s office of Notley’s Chief of Staff.

As the news broke in Ontario, even federal NDP leader Thomas Mulcair seemed intrigued by the concept.  As a staunch opponent of Alberta’s historical economic control of the federal coffers, Mulclair was heard saying how he thinks this is a great idea. In following, he was also heard discussing a plan to hire unemployed geologists from Alberta’s oil patch to investigate the potential of coal mining in Northern Ontario, right in the heart of the Canadian Shield.

When challenged about the environmental impacts of replacing natural gas consumption with coal burning throughout Alberta, Premier Notley confidently replied, “We figured somebody would ask that. Well, it’s all about mitigating risk at this point. Have you ever heard about a coal spill?”

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With seven degrees and 2 masters, Yu Mii is the most educated reporter on our roster. Bringing a sense of crazy fashion and outlandish personality to our offices, she always brings laughter and coffee to the office. Yu Mii is also working on her Ph.D in Nuclear Sedimentology, and the effects of nuclear disasters on trace fossil assemblages in modern depositional environments.

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