New age bike designers latest model confuses industry

NEW YORK, New York – A recent bike design from the mind of Paul Buttnitts at Buttnitts Bikes astonished the cycling industry last week at a New York product expo.  The New York Bicycle Of The Future show was intended to showcase new technologies and innovation, which it did, mostly.  The latest bike from Buttnitts cycles has taken a different jab at the commuter market however, quite literally. The new bike design from Mr. Buttnitts does not have a seat, but rather a vertically mounted adult toy.

A prototype of The Gobbler, redacted for top secret design details
A prototype of The Gobbler, redacted for top secret design details

Well since most of my designs are quite unique and no one has ever seen anything like them, I figured I could take one more run at a perfection with the No 69 Gobbler.  I invented a phallic seating surface that if placed right, will keep you locked into the cockpit all the way from home to work.  I’ve been riding my Gobbler everywhere to ensure it gets tested properly, and I can tell you that on a bike path, through a schoolyard or past a playground, nothing fills me with joy like riding a Gobbler.  It’s pure cycling at its peak! – Paul after the show in New York

Paul is renowned for his ability to design completely unique whips (as he calls them, a word he invented for cool rides).  Most of his bikes are built overseas, which is how he appeals to his target demographic of 34-35 year old Affliction douche bags in large urban centers like New Jersey and San Francisco.

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Dyk Vonfedder

I picked up a Buttnitts cause I was like, hey, this guy has a bike right, and he gets it made in like China, then gets it here, wipes it with Windex, and sells it to me at a cool profit.  Smart man.  He’s a very smart dude.  I can respect that, and I’ll support it.  I can’t wait to get my ass onto a Gobbler! – Dyk Vonfedder, MMA hopeful and Cheese Sculptor in Jersey

Rumors from the New York show are implying there are 5 new models coming out of North Korea next year, created with a special form of soon to be irradiated glass, with components being hand picked from any metallic rubble and machined down by a new generation of a soon to be skilled 6 year old workforce.

Paul Buttnitts file photo (posed)
Paul Buttnitts file photo (posed)

Buttnitts’ ideas for his bikes come from many places deep in the recesses of his mind, and there hasn’t been a designer with his vision before, he is changing the cycling world as we know it. There are a few independents trying to copy his work, but really? How low can you go guys? And how do you think you can compete with the sheer volume Buttnitts can import when you compete out of a small shop with 8 employees and decent wages. Shake your heads, time to just admit failure and walk away before the Paul Train rolls in! – Paul Buttnitts, likes to refer to himself in the third person

 

 

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