Bendovus Touts New Technology on Corporate Website

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CALGARY, Alberta – Calgary-based Bendovus Energy is shamelessly promoting itself with claims of using advanced technology to produce oil and gas. This news comes on the heels of a scathing report released in 2015 Q1 by a prominent industry analyst who claims that, “the company has been falling behind its peers for years from a technology standpoint.”

The oil giant has seen a 7% jump in its stock since announcing the new technologies yesterday morning, and it hopes that its stock (BNDVR.TO) will continue to see some upwards pressure as it rolls out these new techniques in 2016 Q1.

Among the subjects touted on its website are:

SAGD (Saliva-Assisted Gravity Drainage) – This process uses saliva collected from saloon spittoons and the grounds of baseball fields to produce heavy oil. The disgusting mix of digestive enzymes and tobacco juice is injected into the reservoir where it breaks down and reduces the viscosity of the hydrocarbon, allowing it to readily flow to a production well. Workers at the injection wellsites insist on wearing full protective gear

Atomic Wedgie Well™ – This is an enhancement to the normal horizontal wells used in SAGD. A horizontal well is drilled between two SAGD wells and then the reservoir’s underwear is firmly grasped and pulled up with tremendous force, enough to rip off the waistband. Now thoroughly intimidated, the reservoir will give up its oil much more easily, as well as its lunch money.

 SkyHussy™ Drilling Rig – This innovation solves the problem of moving a drilling rig to a remote, roadless location. Rig components are miniaturized and designed to be easily assembled and broken down. Each component is assigned to a lady-of-the-hour who then cruises airport runways and entices helicopter pilots to pick them up and transport them to the location. No explicit promises are made, however, because that would be immoral and wrong.

Blowmedown Boilers – To reduce the capital expense of generating steam at its heavy oil operations, Bendovus is salvaging boilers from derelict steamships, cleaning them up a bit and placing in service. They are designed to burn Bunker C fuel oil and can handle non-upgraded bitumen, a huge cost saving.  The salvaged boilers are less efficient than modern designs but the lower capex more than makes up for it. Popeye the Sailor has been recruited to head this operation.

ESP (Extra-Sensory Pimping) – The process of selecting the correct downhole electric submersible pump for a particular application is mostly a lot of guesswork. If left to the supplier, the pump selected is always bigger, more complex and more expensive than necessary. Bendovus has reduced its capital costs by hiring a professional psychic (see “Bendovus Hires Exploration Astrologer”, February 2, 2015) to utilize ESP to make the final selection. Costs have been reduced by 25%.

When asked about how the company came up with these novel new technologies, acting COO Trixy McGellany replied, “We encouraged all of our employees and contractors to come forward with new ideas, no matter how stupid they may sound. We made it clear that even ideas past stupid might work. Alfter all, this is the oil business. And I suppose that did it.”