CNOOC to drill super well for interoffice communications with Nexen

SICHUAN, China – Nexen’s parent company CNOOC announced today that it plans to use specialized oil well drilling technology to create a well bore connecting its China-based headquarters with its satellite office on Calgary, Alberta. The well will be drilled through the earth, with a slight detour to avoid its solid inner core.

The idea, conceptualized by the company’s director of subsurface geo-engineering, is to use the well not to produce oil or gas, but instead for communicating top-secret planning documents, hard cash, and even to deliver top-quality, authentic food to Calgary office staff “right from the mother land.”

Dr. Dong, the company’s director of geo-engineering, spoke directly to 2P News’ Yu Mii from China just this morning.

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Dr. L.D. Dong, director

We don’t think anybody has even thought of such a geological-engineering undertaking, let alone plan one and start to build the tools required, as we have already done. There have been so many times that Canada Post and China Mail say that they have “misplaced” our important documents, including development plans, but we believe that the mailing companies are selling them to our competition.

And what about the red tape on transferring money between offices? That’ll be a thing of the past when we we will be able to send the money through a special vacuum tubing, much like you see in big box stores. No taxes or fees. – Long Duk Dong, P.Geng, director at CNOOC

According to the company’s press release, the company will log and core the 3 foot diameter wellbore in strategic places looking for by-passed pay, so that the company knows where to perforate the well bore if there’s oil or gas behind pipe. The idea behind the food transit is to satisfy the complaints made by Nexen staff of the poor quality Chinese food available in the local food courts.

Dr. Dong continues, “Instead of cooking the food in China and then sending it through the vacuum tubing, the food will be put in special contains where it is cooked as it passes through the earth closer to the core – this will save the company much money. We haven’t figured out exactly how fast the food must travel in order to not burn it, or even undercook it, but we have specialists modeling those scenarios as we speak.”

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The proposed well path, shown in yellow. ***Not to scale.

A number security and technical industry experts believe that CNOOC’s controversial plan is outrageous, and in fact is not technically nor physically feasible. Some of them claim that it is even theoretically impossible, and are surprised that anybody would spend even more than 15 seconds thinking about such a possibility.

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Richard Ferris, Ph.D., consultant

It’s quite hot down near the earth’s inner core – we’re talking about temperatures as hot as the surface of the Sun. And the Earth’s liquid outer core is primarily made of iron; conventional drill pipe, casing and tubing is also made from iron, so no… I don’t see how this is going to work unless they use some sort of super cooled, high-tech material. – Dr. Richard Ferris, independent directional drilling consultant

Despite the theoretical and technical challenges that face CNOOC, the Chinese-based, state-owned oil and gas giant plans to forge ahead with plans. 2P News correspondent, Yu Mii, will be on location on spud day and she will report on any developments as they become available.