Condoms ease Northern Gateway concerns

Guard Quality Control in Singapore

KITIMAT, British Columbia – The Northern Gateway pipeline is the center of much controversy in Canada recently.  The pipeline threatens to draw a harsh divide between the practical, working peoples of the west, and the other 462 people who aren’t, and don’t.  One of the world’s largest purveyors of safety and protection may have an idea that solves all the issues raised around the NGP.  Guard Prophylactics has proposed a full length pipeline condom with a reservoir tip.

While proponents of the NGP argue the immense cost of such a contraption, opponents of the project find it refreshing that a solution may be in development. Cynthia Loveflower, somebody who supports the idea, goes on to say:

well-woman
Cynthia Loveflower

“I think this is a marvelous idea! In my experience, prophylactics can stretch and contain a lot of fluid, so if there is a spill, I see this being a very good way to prevent a disastrous leak into our lush, natural environment that is inhabited by all sorts of animals including hairy bears, wet beavers, and the endangered fuzzy Quahog clam.” – Cynthia Loveflower, supporter

Guard has planned to fabricate a series of non-lubricated latex “Pipe-Sleeves” that fasten together with Cam-Lock collars.  These sleeves will be installed over the pipeline as a containment system in the case of a pipeline break.   A representative from Guard, Tad Tomopolis, claims that the Pipe-Sleeves will be an environmental game changer for many pipelines around the world.

“We tell our kids to wrap it up.  We tell our friends to wrap it up. And if they don’t?  We’ve all had that phone call 10 months later haven’t we?  No one wants that.  It’s time to tell industry to wrap it up and save the planet!” – Tad Tompolis

Below, a Prophylactic Technician is conducting quality control tests on prototype pipeline condoms in a Guard manufacturing plant in Singapore.

Guard Quality Control in Singapore
Guard Quality Control in Singapore

The cost of the Pipe-Sleeves will almost double the cost of the NGP, but government officials in BC and Alberta are discussing the merits of such a system versus the cost.  Oil companies around the globe applaud the concept, but are concerned about the availability and quality control of the final product. Hayzeus Johnson, the VP of Public Relations at Encram Pipelines, goes on to say:

“Preventing ‘The Clap’, and preventing oil spills are two very different things.  Oil spills are no laughing matter.” – Hayzeus Johnson, VP

Jesus Johnson at a pipeline transfer station
Hayzeus Johnson at a pipeline transfer station

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