Ogle Earth Expands into New Market

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – The aerial photography  service Ogle Earth is expanding far beyond its original business model of supplying imagery to the oil and gas industry. Due to competition from YeahWho satellites and other services, the company was on the verge of extinction but through a new strategic alliance, a major expansion is in the works.

Founder and CEO Voy R. Ogle told the press,

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Voy R. Ogle

Our intent now is to compete vigorously with Google Earth and provide a far better product. A product that is better, simpler, quicker, cheaper, and not worse – it’s that simple.

The problem with Google Earth is that the detail ain’t for shit. Say you want to check out the local nude beach for any hot babes, but on Google Earth she’d have to be the size of a blue whale to be noticeable. And StreetView doesn’t go anywhere near the beach with its censored blurry-ass pictures. With Ogle Earth you can see the zit on her butt and in real time too. So just imagine what you can covertly glean about your competitors’ operations.

According to promotional material handed out by Mr. Ogle himself along Venice Beach, his company’s technology employs roughly 42,000 stealth drones that are operated by the National Security Agency flying over North America. The company employs some of the best hackers on the planet, and that’s all that the company will say about how they’ve designed the system.

Mr. Ogle continues, “Well, there is one more thing. For a slight extra charge, your competitor’s drilling rig, tanker truck, refinery or whatever can be taken out with a Hellfire missile – at the click of a mouse. Think how handy that will be when your competitor attempts to edge drill your best oil fields.”

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Just a small part of the complex algorithm that serves as the foundation for new Ogle Earth service

During beta testing, Ogle said that the new system proved its worth by catching his wife cheating on him with an MWD contractor on a rig near his summer home in Wyoming. The video footage and photos of his wife with a lowly pulse-monkey prompted the judge to award all assets and monies to Mr. Ogle, while his wife got nothing.  Apparently, the graphic depictions of both parties adjusting the man’s tool orifice disgusted the judge to the point he also tried to fire the man, who was working for Feenix Directional at the time.

Specifications and cost estimates for the Ogle Earth technology can be found at their website, as well as on the Dark Net if you search for a user code named “SeezAll.” Ogle Earth has also made it abundantly clear that they are not liable in any way shape or form beyond providing the data set to the client.  Any use of the dataset beyond their servers is at the clients own risk.

2P News has been trying to get clarification on this disclaimer of liability for 3 weeks now, but Mr. Ogle has been unavailable for comment.  According to sources close to the company, he is unavailable anywhere and interestingly enough, he cannot be located by the Ogle Earth service itself.

4 COMMENTS

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      -Darcy