Big oil hires Easter Bunny to deliver oil-filled eggs

CALGARY, Alberta – While many families gathered and celebrated the Easter holiday over the weekend, several of North America’s largest oil and gas explorers were executing what has been dubbed ‘Operation Grease Bunny.’ OGB was hatched just after the Christmas holidays when Santa refused to negotiate operational control of the North Pole with several large PNG operators.

The then-formed conglomerate of oil titans began negotiations with the Easter Bunny to help alleviate the current oil glut that has put international commodity markets in a tailspin over the past 9 or 10 months.

According to sources close to both parties, the companies arranged to have the Easter Bunny deliver Easter eggs filled with crude oil, not chocolate, to the children of the world in an effort to consume approximately 110 Million barrels of the current supply in storage.

Donald Chump, P. Asshat
Donald Chump, P. Asshat

E. Bunny did very well.  Despite the claim that crude filled Easter eggs are bad for the environment, we distributed roughly 92 Million barrels of oil so far, and are expecting to confirm that the remaining 18 Million barrels were successfully delivered by mid next week.  This should bring the markets back to normal and allow the price to climb to around $90 per barrel WTI.  – Donald Chump, Director of the Bendocheatana Partnership

The Easter Bunny was unavailable for comment, but his neighbours in the Enchanted Forest, just outside of Neverland County, reported he had seemed stressed as of late and was worried that Santa and The Tooth Fairy were going to strip him of Holiday Character Status for selling out to the Big Oil.

The Tooth Fairy, sweet as can be
The Tooth Fairy, sweet as can be

He was just not the same sweet bunny we knew. He was losing his fur, chewing his tail, and always mumbling about how he was being Bendovused, whatever that is.  Poor sweet bunny.  But we all do what we have to for our families I suppose. – The Tooth Fairy

 

While no confirmed reports of Crude-Egg incidents have been reported in mainstream media, 2P News saw first hand the look of disgust and shock when younger family members of staff bit into the bitumen laden treats over the weekend.

While the slick filling was supposedly sweetened with Nutrasweet and Splenda, the greasy treats were still inedible, and most of the children we observed simply spit them up or puked them out. A rare few that were determined to eat the snacks are most likely destined to become middle managers, or possibly aspire to be landmen in the industry, so no harm was done. [Editor’s note: “Youch!”]

2P News will report any further breaking news regarding the OGB scheme, its possible future, and its long term effects on the dear Easter Holiday herself.

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