Bendovus Energy offers $367 billion dollar payout

Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn
Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn

CALGARY, Alberta – In a surprising and unprecedented wave of guilt this morning, Bendovus Energy CEO Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn has volunteered a $367 Billion payout to those who are, or have been, effected by fracking operations in North America.  The news shocked reporters and market crawlers alike when it was first released on the social media site owned by Bendovus, BendOverBook.

Admitting his long hidden guilt and anxiety over the issue, Mr. Dòngbīn rendered a heartfelt apology for the repercussions of his company’s fracking operations.  Also admitting full knowledege that fracking had caused, and is causing, earthquakes, water pollution, tsunamis, dead grass, poor marijuana crops in Colorado, and in some instances even animal cruelty.

Along with the announcement, a list of several tens of thousands of families and individuals was also posted, assigning a cash payout to each and the value and address of those people.  Some families in more gas-rich areas are going to receive as much as $200,000.

Jedediah Dimplenutz and wife Haydee Dimplenutz
Jedediah Dimplenutz and wife Haydee Dimplenutz

We heard it from our neighbors over in Chucktawagie County, that’s over near Fritterville.  We’re getting a one time cash payout of $234,000 US dollars, and a promise Bendovus won’t frack or drill anywhere within 50 miles of a property owned by our family ever again.  How can you argue with that. – Jedediah Dimplenutz, Choochootchoot County, Pennsylvania

The news was of course suspect at first, but all has been confirmed in later press reports by legal counsel and advisers for both Bendovus and state governments.  Provinces have yet to find competent counsel in effected areas.

Among the fine print of the article, details on future development were very clear.  After the payouts, Bendovus would not drill or develop within a set number of miles from any of the property owned by every family receiving compensation.  If the property were to sell however, development could resume at that point.  But consultants say that clause is not likely to occur, as many of these families have been living on the lands for generations.  One small advocacy group has brought up the privacy issues with the announcement however, claiming it may cause more problems for the land owners than they are ready for.

Morley Mangyna
Morley Mangyna

Although we think Mr. Dòngbīn has done a very nice thing, he has also told the world the address, names, and phone numbers of every family getting a payout.  So John Smith gets a $200,000 cheque, and the whole world knows it.  Who do you think shows up at his door the next day?  Greenpeace?  No.  Jack the Friggin Ripper!  And most of these folks don’t use banks, on account of the reading and writing implications. – Morley Mangyna, Association for Protecting Things

While the money has yet to see print or delivery, industry insiders say the implications are clear for Bendovus Energy in 2014. Stock price will fall, development will slow, and most likely staff bonuses will be lowered by 3 or 4%.

 

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