KITIMAT, British Columbia – PETA is very busy yet again, but instead of lobbying to create a roadside memorial for a number or chickens who tragically lost their lives when a chicken transport truck accidentally overturned in Saskatchewan in June of this year, they are rocking the boat by protesting any and all LNG development along Canada’s western seaboard.
According to a report released by the BC chapter of the largest animal rights organization in the world (which now boasts more than 3 million international members and supporters), the process by which natural gas is compressed and cooled down to turn it into a liquid for transportation is cruel and unusual treatment of the CH4 and other lighter hydrocarbon molecules.
The group claims that natural gas is a fossil fuel which is derived from animals and plants that used to live happily a long time ago. And in order to respect those animals of many eras past, the planet must treat their derivatives with care and compassion.
The chapter’s head, Miss Daisy Fairweather, elaborates on this claim.
“Our in-house physicists have confirmed (in theory of course, not by experiment, because that would be cruel), that by squeezing the atoms of the natural gas molecules together, they are put under undue stress and no longer have as much room to freely move about and enjoy ordinary life as relatively free beings. And then you add the cold to this already abusive behavior, and we have a situation where the electrons, protons, and neurons are made to feel very uncomfortable and we need to put a stop to this, and it needs to happen now! In fact, where’s my phone, I’m calling Premier Clark right post haste!” – Daisy Fairweather, PETA BC chapter head
Opponents to PETA’s claim counter by saying that the natural gas, once converted to LNG, is not being abused in any way. In fact, they claim that by compressing the gas, the molecules are being brought closer together, in a family sense, creating an environment whereby they don’t need to travel as far to keep in touch with each other. The opponents do concede, however, that the liquefied gas, after its long, dark, and chilly transportation, is relieved of its high pressure situation and ultimately sent to a fiery hell.
British Columbia’s Premier Christie Clark had the following to say,
“‘Ground Control to Major PETA, Ground Control to Major PETA, come in… I repeat, come in… do you copy?!’ Seriously, PETA?! You guys need to get your heads out of the clouds. Under your claim, it is equally abusive to the molecules in your ass when you sit down, or even to the molecules in the underside of your feet when you walk.
When asked by a 2P News reporter if she is a member of PETA, Premier Clark responded, “Indeed I am a member of PETA. I have been for pretty much my entire life. Oh, and when I say PETA, I’m talking about People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.”