Trudeau hires Vancouver-based firm to redesign Trans Mountain expansion

Submitting to environmental pressures from BC, Federal government selects firm whose patent-pending idea will revolutionize how oil is transported without disturbing soil or local ecosystems.

OTTAWA, Ontario – After recently spending $4.5B to purchase the Trans Mountain pipeline and related infrastructure, the Federal Government has decided to pacify naysayers by hiring Vancouver-based NathinWerks Eco Engineering to redesign the pipeline expansion.

Engineering firm behind design does not employ any engineers

The 17-person engineering firm has designed a system on paper that completely eliminates any ground disturbance during construction and operation, reduces the risks of spills, and the oil delivery point to be anywhere within a radius between Edmonton, Alberta and Burnaby, BC.

Introducing the Pivot Pipe 3000™. This new pipeline technology, that has been jointly patented by the Federal Government and NathinWerks, is a breakthrough in oil transportation which uses a sophisticated set of telescoping sections of pipe that form a boom-like structure that is cantilevered from Edmonton to Burnaby. Jim Graynolanuggs, NathinWerks’ President, explains.

Jim Graynolanuggs, NathinWerks president

“This is a really cool design we have here. Picture for a minute a large construction crane that comprises a tower, a boom, ballasts, and a control cab. The Pivot Pipe 3000™ is very similar to this except the boom part is not a metal frame, but rather a series of hundreds of thousands (maybe millions) of tapered pipe sections of decreasing diameter that can be pushed out great distances. The nice thing about this design is that the pipeline does not touch the ground, and the ‘boom’ can be rotated to reach many locations.” – Jim Graynolanuggs, NathinWerks president.

Engineering drawings of the new Pivot Pipe 3000 design.

According to the company’s computer models, they estimate that with enough ballast material the Pivot Pipe 3000™ should easily be able to reach to the port at Burnaby, BC. In one model scenario, the engineering firm had the pipe reaching the Port of Qingdao in the Chinese province of Shandon. “By shipping oil direction from Edmonton to China eliminates the need for ships, and we would be able to charge China 3rd-party processing fees, but building a Pivot Pipe 3000™ would simply be cost prohibitive with a 3175 year payout,” continues Graynolanuggs. 

Justin Trudeau is excited about the prospect of a pipeline that does not impact local ecosystems. “We the Federal government, are very happy with this redesign proposal. It is… ummmm…. a solution that will appease my…. errrrrrrrr …. enviro-allies in BC… while aaahhhh… also making the oil jockeys in…. errrrrr… Aaaaaalberta, and Saskatchewan quit complaining. One of the biggest…. aaaaahhhhh…. <15 seconds of silence> uummm… technical challenges was finding ballasts…. errrr… heavy enough to keep the Pivot Pipe balanced, but…. this was errrrrrrr… overcome by simply…. aaaahhhh…. balancing the extraordinarily heavy and leveraged pipeline with a box… uuummm…. filled with my broken campaign promises.”

New pipeline can be customized by its owners – the Canadian people

The Minister of Infrastructure Artwork, Cynthia Doodlespap, just today announced that since the pipeline is owned by the people, the people will have the right to customize a tiny little section of it. So Canadians from coast-to-coast are encouraged to send her an email with artwork attached as soon as conveniently possible.

And to reduce construction costs related to the pipeline expansion, the Federal government is contemplating building it without Kinder Morgan’s help. The government’s plan is to save possibly billions of dollars to leverage the tens of thousands of federal-level civil servants who have some time to spare during their working day.

Prime Minister expects BC to warm up to the new Pivot Pipe 3000 

Trudeau did not say whether he thinks he will be able to get BC Premier onside with the Pivot Pipe 3000 concept, but said he expects the challenges before the courts will echo the government’s argument that proceeding with the pipeline falls within federal jurisdiction.

“Let’s face it, I’m no rocket surgeon – I taught high school drama for Pete’s sake. But that Horgan fella in BC, he makes me look like brain engineer over here in Ottawa. I can’t imagine that he’ll have any issues with the proposed design seeing as it doesn’t touch his province’s precious soil. But if this thing springs a leak, get out your umbrellas BC residents, and cover your plants, because it’s gonna be raining black gold! Suckas!”