CRITTERSVILLE, Arkansas – Trembling Energy has been forced to cancel its core drilling program in eastern Arkansas following a physical protest by the Earth. The program would have seen over 200 wells drilled near Crittersville on the eastern flank of Whatchoodoin County. The area, long known as a haven for wilderness aficionados and granola loving tree huggers, holds the key to a multi-billion barrel reservoir known as the Deep Grease Basin. The Earth, apparently standing up for itself for once, has physically refused access to the reservoir by any means.
It was the strangest damn thing, but we simply cannot drill this reservoir. It won’t work. We cant even get past the damn topsoil. We tried everything! PDC, top drive, Rotator SpinCutters, everything.
We even got a signal through the EM tools laying on the catwalk. The boys at NASA translated it as ‘Don’t even try.’ So we figured the Earth cancelled the program for us. What can you do. Mother Earth is a bitch! – Sy Clements, CEO Trembling Energy
Scientists observing the phenomenon are baffled, to say the least. As research commences to further understand the physical nature of this impossibility, many are wondering if this bears a sign of the future for oil and gas exploration as well as mineral and precious stone mining around the globe.
Geoscience manager at Hollimorton Energy Services, Chester Froff, gives his take on the planet’s protest, “We’ve never seen this before. The Earth is physically taking a stand against humans ripping her up and tearing her guts out. We need to find out what this started now and what we can do to avoid or work around this type of insurrection in the future. It could mean the end of our use of natural resources, not to mention the wealth it brings to our industry. This sh*t is nuts.”
News of the protest is not without its celebration however, as Green Peace and Sierra Club offices rejoiced at the news. Unthinkable parties have been raging for days since the news hit social media, and larger venues have been booked on short notice to accommodate the growing numbers of environmental supporters arriving by any means necessary in cities hosting the parties.
We flew all the way in from Dumbeldina, New Mexico for this! I think the whole airport was just full of people trying to get here for the party this week. We were going to drive but gas prices are just too high now, and the buses were all booked up. But we’re here now and ready to celebrate Mother Earth and her reluctance to let the 1% exploit her forever! – Chippy Fallen Star, just outside of the Los Angeles Airport.