Prentice promises $110 oil if re-elected

EDMONTON, Alberta – Jim Prentice has officially started down the campaign trail, even if there is no official election on the horizon. Over the weekend Jim Prentice gave a short speech at an oil and gas industry luncheon where he was quoted as promising $110 per barrel oil if his party is re-elected at the next provincial election.

Mr. Prentice spoke directly to 2P News reporter Rodecker Smith this morning outside of a Nisku-area Humpty’s restaurant.

Jimmy used to be cool.
Jimmy used to be cool.

I have been planning this move for awhile, and I have hashed out the details and the challenges with my cabinet.  We are confident we can convince OPEC and the USA to agree with very little resistance.

We are going to form a new world oil organization, thus far named PECCER, and we will control the world oil price from Alberta.  We will set a fixed price and the world will follow it.  Believe me.  They will have no choice. – (editor’s note, Jim has never sounded so evil)

The details of the plan were rolled out in summary during his presentation, and it seems as though the Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta has decided that it can oust OPEC and US control of energy commodities by leveraging what resources it has at its disposal.

  • If the USA does not comply, Prentice will sign the orders for the submarines from West Edmonton Mall to be deployed along the California coast, and seize control of the Santa Monica Pier.

 

  • If OPEC does not relinquish its death grip on oil, Alison Redford will be sent on a public relations mission for an undetermined length of time throughout all OPEC member nations – with a limited budget of course. This initiative is code-named  Unleash Terrorford.

 

  • If the USA does not comply, “dirty” oilsands bitumen will be pumped to the top of all mountain peaks lying on the Canada / USA border, and from that elevation gravity will work its magic to flow the oil down the American side.  American protesters will do the rest.

 

  • If OPEC does not comply, Alberta will budget a large chunk of the provincial coffers to a “Floor Crossing” campaign targeted at any foreign politicians opposed to the plan.  It worked in Alberta, and therefore would most likely work anywhere else.

 

  • If the USA does not comply, the town of Vulcan will be forever closed to foreign Star Trek fans, which would cause major repercussions in the USA as couch-bound Trekkies struggle to get their Spock-fix locally.  All complaints would be formally forwarded to the White House by Prentice himself.

 

  • Alberta beef will no longer be exported to the USA (or any OPEC country for that matter), which means those big Texas BBQ competitions will have use low-grade, feedlot fed beef for the majority of their cooking, invariably causing the quality to degrade exponentially.

 

  • If opposition cannot be overcome, Prentice and the PC government has preliminarily inked approval deals to run 6 new 48-inch double wall pipelines through the arctic Circle into Northern Siberia, where arrangements will be made with Russian refineries to buy and refine Alberta’s heavy oil.  Parts of the Ukraine will undoubtedly be effected.

When the Petroleum & Energy Consortium of Cleanliness and Energy Responsibility (PECCER) is approved by the USA and OPEC as the new leader in energy commodity price fixing, new infrastructure will be required to operate and conduct the consortium’s business.  The plan touches briefly on that requirement, which includes the completion of two brand new 80-storey skyscapers in Edmonton’s downtown core, as well as the mandatory relocation of several PNG head offices to Edmonton for the sake of faster logistics.

The popular high speed train from Edmonton to Calgary will also be a must-have item according to the PC proposal.

Estimated cost of the new infrastructure is $700 Billion dollars.

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