RCN Tracking Russian Submarine in Lake Louise

BANFF, Alberta – The Royal Canadian Navy (RCN) is actively tracking a submerged object in the deepest part of Lake Louise in Alberta. According to the RCN, all indications are that it is an Akula-class Russian nuclear-powered attack submarine.  RCN Public Information Officer Commander Luigi Piscatori said,

RCN Depiction of Akula-class Submarine
RCN Depiction of Akula-class Submarine

“Lake Louise is at most 90 meters deep and the water is very clear, so it’s easy to see from the air that the object is either a submarine or a whale.  I used my son’s toy helicopter drone to fly over it and take some pictures.  We borrowed a waterproof microphone from Radio Shack and lowered it down near the object and it sounds a lot more like a submarine than a whale.”

The RCN is dispatching a fleet of armed kayaks to further investigate.

It is a great mystery how a submarine could have entered Lake Louise. From the Atlantic Ocean, it would have had to enter Hudson Bay and then follow the Nelson River to the South Saskatchewan River, penultimately up the Bow River until finally entering Lake Louise.  Commander Piscatori speculated that the Russians could have delivered the submarine using their giant Antonov An-225 jet transport aircraft fitted with pontoons.  The greater mystery is why the Russians would go to so much trouble.

Dr. Marcus Mercator, professor of cartography and hippology at the University of Calgary, believes it may be part of Russia’s campaign to establish rights to claim and exploit the emerging Northwest Passage. Because the polar icecap is melting, the arctic is becoming navigable and Russia wants to establish sovereignty.  As glaciers recede and sea level rises, inland lakes in Alberta will increase in size and may ultimately become connected to the Arctic Ocean.

Two Innocuous Russian Tourists in Banff
Two Innocuous Russian Tourists in Banff

In Edmonton, Premier Wretched Nutley expressed concern that the Russians dropped in without first making a courtesy call to her office. She said,

“We could have had a lovely chat over tea!  I would have served Dick’s candies that President Putin is so in love with.  That navy fellow said the submarine was nucular-powered.  What does that mean?”

[Editor’s Note: A local SCUBA diver was dispatched by 2PNews to view the object up close and the diver reports that it is actually a blob of heavy tar that someone dumped in the lake.]

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