Redford amends flood relief requirements, all houses now required to be jacked

Queen Redford
Queen Redford, announcing the amendments

Calgary, Alberta – Alison Redford has been under fire for the timing and details around her flood relief efforts.  On the heels of that fiasco, she has exemplified what is wrong with the Conservative Party of Alberta.  In a sweeping and unannounced stroke of a pen, she has signed off on what is likely the most expensive relief requirement to date.

The Redford Tories have drawn up a new requirement that all houses in floodways and flood plains are to be rebuilt or moved onto offshore drilling rig style ‘jack-up’ platforms, so they can be elevated in the event of another major flood.

We felt the need to do more to prevent the headache next time, I mean all those phone calls and emails asking for help. It was horrible.  But now, if things look bad, we flip a switch, and voila, houses up, people safe, done deal. – Morgan Spindee, PR Manager for A. Redford.

Quick concept of how it works
Artist’s conception of how it works

Although the plan’s details have not been fully outlined, the base requirements and plans are as follows:

  • Platforms will each be populated with four 1000 square foot homes, no basements or yards will be allowed.
  • Every 6th platform will be paved and have a basketball court and a foursquare court painted on it.
  • Streets will remain gravel, so many residents may need to trade in cars for 4×4 Jeeps or trucks.
  • No two story building will be allowed, only bungalows, to prevent blocking the view to unaffected neighborhoods when said houses are in the elveated positions.
  • All controls for the platform will be networked and controlled from a special secure room in Edmonton under the parliament buildings.
  • Bi-monthly tests will be conducted to ensure that the platforms are working.  Residents will be transported to safe locations during testing hours.
Ed Stoarkey
Ed Stoarkey

I don’t see the logic here, the cost is in the hundred of billions, where is she getting the money?  I know that hasn’t stopped her before but this is crazy, absolutely nuts.  And who do we get to build these monstrosities?  Foreign companies who can build offshore rigs?  That’s pretty damn handy.  How about servicing them?  I can hear the money falling out of my pockets already!  Sometimes I think the butterflies flying around in her head bump into each other to hard!  She should be kicked in her she-balls for this one! – Ed Stoarkey, retired mechanical engineer, previously employed by Amearsk Drilling

Single dwelling jacked up, FR plans will reduce size and put 4 per platfrom
Single dwelling jacked up, FR plans will reduce size and put 4 per platform

The estimated cost for the program is touted as being in the $65,000,000,000 mark, but Redford has stated repeatedly that a dollar figure cannot be placed on the value and safety of Alberta’s residents.

 I will spend anything I need to if it means my subjects are safe and sound, and paying taxes! – Redford after a night clubbing in Fox Creek

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