Redford turns herself in and proposes criminal charges

EDMONTON, Alberta – In a shocking twist in the Alison Redford spending scandal, the former Alberta premier has turned herself into Edmonton-area RCMP with a list of charges that she proposes should be laid against her.

Redford was wheeled into the Edmonton RCMP headquarters by her former aide while strapped to a dolly much like the one used by Hannibal Lector in the 1990s pop-culture horror psycho thriller Silience of the Lambs – muzzle and all.

She donned a bespoke gold-plated and diamond-encrusted Alberta backpack carrying a document that listed a number of charges to which she will plead not guilty/no contest if charged.

Lieutenant Lou Tennant, who first greeted Ms. Redford, describes the situation:

Lieutenant Lou Tennant
Lieutenant Lou Tennant

It was the strangest thing, me and the guys were playing some coffee pong when I saw a jet black van pull up front. All of the sudden, ominous black clouds descended over the station, it got dark, and my iPod stopped.

And as though in slow motion, some guy starts wheeling what I can only describe as looking like a monster towards the front door on a dolly. The 6 of us drew our Glocks, and then we realized it was good ol’ Ally behind the mask. – Lou Tennant, RCMP

According to police reports, the binder contained a 7,836-page document that listed 274,691 transgressions that she admitted to committing while she held the top spot in Alberta’s provincial politics.

The list of proposed charges included many of the very well-known allegations that made their way to mainstream and social media, but it also included many that were known to only Alison Redford and a few others. 2P News was able to gain access to the document under the Emergency Freedom of Information Act, and has published a few of the more peculiar indiscretions below.

  • Fraud over $100,000: I decided to pay Thomas “Boy Europe” Lukaszuk $20,000 per year over 5 years for weekly back massages in the secret relaxation room that I had built in the legislature.
  • Unauthorized Construction: I spent $1.2 million to build a secret relaxation retreat in the attic of the Legislature.
  • Stalking:  I admit that for over 18 months I followed, tracked, photographed, and sent secret flowers to Christy Clark.  My therapist says admitting it is the first step to my recovery.  PLEASE CALL ME BABY!
  • Aiding and Abetting a Liberal:  I allowed Liberal Party of Canada members to stay at my residence in Edmonton on 56 separate occasions.  A charge normally followed by the Death Penalty in Alberta prior to 1989.  I believe it now carries a sentence of 1 day in Bowden remand per incident.
  • Stationery Trafficking:  I removed several staplers and pencils, along with multiple pads of 3M sticky notes to resell on Kijiji hoping to supplement my meagre income.  I wish to repay the $1,404,785 I collected from those transactions.  Will you take cash?
  • Forgery:  On 329 occasions, I used a government inkjet printer and laptop to create fake concert and event tickets so I could sell my real tickets on Kijiji, again to supplement my meagre income, and still attend the events I wished to go to.  No one ever really checks the tickets of people travelling with a security team.
  • Indecent Exposure:  I regret the many occasions I did not dress appropriately for political and public occasions.  I realize that many were offended at the sight of my ankles and jawline, but all I can say is I am sorry.
  • Money Laundering:  I admit that I ran an ongoing money laundering scheme involving several laundromats in Edmonton and Westlock.  I don’t know what the big deal is, in the movies they always make it seem easier, but do you know how many times you have to put money in a dryer to get it actually dry?  It really wasn’t worth the effort, but Tommy said it was the only way to keep our cash clean. And the Loonies and Twonies, man did they make a ruckus!
  • Wrongful Use of Government Computers:  I used government laptops, networked through several mainframe servers in the legislature, to conduct targeted, in depth surveillance on The Wildrose Party, in particular Danielle Smith.  I found nothing of use aside from the fact she is actually an exceptional woman.  But not as cute as Christy. CALL ME, CLARKSEY, I MISS YOUR SOFT TOUCH.
  • Criminal Contempt of Alberta:  I admit, I knowingly and intentionally acted with contempt and complete disregard for the people of Alberta and their well being.  I cannot really even say I’m sorry, because I’m really not.

It should be noted than in addition to the 274,691 self-confessed abuses of power, the RCMP team now leading the investigation has decided to add 895 counts of Fleeing the Scene of an Accident.  One count for each day that she left her home after dressing herself and attempting to do her own hair and make up while she was Premier.