Bendovus has receipts, tries to return The Beau Tower

CALGARY, Alberta – Construction in Calgary has left a bitter taste in the mouths of many residents over the last few years.  Booming builders and over-worked contractors have been scarce for years, and due to the high construction demand the marketplace has been filled with subcontractors and consultants who have little to no idea what they are doing.

In 2007 when construction began on The Beau Tower in downtown Calgary, the same principle applied.  For that reason, many of the sourced contracts for interior design, structure, and organization went to a Swedish builder.  Ikea.

Seven years later, Bendovus Energy has had enough.  The lackluster components imported from China and Mexico have began to catastrophically fail.  Walls, stairway supports and railing, desks, kitchens, and even some of the executives’ beds have begun to crumble, break, and become unsafe for general use.  For this reason, the managing director of The Beau Tower, Ernie Magnoflop, has gathered all of the necessary receipts and filed them with Calgary Ikea store for a full refund.

Ernie Magnoflop
Ernie Magnoflop

We just can’t live like this.  I pulled Joe out of a collapsed set of particle board stairs a few days ago,  Jenny had to be removed from her desk by firefighters with the jaws of life when some damn Swedish lock-tap-screw failed and left the keyboard tray on her desk collapsed on her knees.  ON HER KNEES!  And when the VP of Executive Comfort calls and says that the beds in a few of the executive’s offices are already bumpy and lumpy, you have a problem.  I know those guys sleep a lot, but 7 years?  Come on.  We are asking for a full refund of the $856,896,213 we paid for Ikea’s portion of the build and finishing.  We purchased the extended warranty on everything, and we’re calling it in.

Many complaints have been heard around the downtown core of the tragedy of The Beau.  Get a Bendovus employee drunk enough to forget about their confidentiality agreement, and they will soon tell you about the leaky toilets, the sewer smell, or the labs that some have been privy to visit as part of their training.  Another indicator of troubles at the facility might be the bill Bendovus gets from Gorilla Glue every year.  A bill for an adhesive product that exceeds $200,000 per year is a sign that things need to change.

One of hundreds of broken desks in Bendovus Headquarters
One of hundreds of broken desks in Bendovus Headquarters

With a bill this large, litigation is likely to ensue, but Sven Svenson, regional operations manager for Ikea Western Canada was quick to turn down an official interview, but did relay his personal feelings about Bendovus position with the building’s integrity.

Sven Svenson, file photo
Sven Svenson, file photo

Our products are tested vigorously with the chair pounding machines and floor stepping doohickeys.  We make sure that our products are always perfect and capable when they leave our warehouse.  Obviously, stacking bookcases to create stairwells was not what we designed them for.  Using Ikea brand electrical tape to create miles of power wiring using extensions cords is not a safe way to power a skyscraper.  Nor did we intend our sofas to be used as 3 man toilets with circles cut out of them.  These types of modifications by Bendovus engineers void any warranty and we are not responsible for these damages.

Bendovus Energy’s legal counsel has a court date set for Tuesday, May 27th at the Calgary Court building. 2P News will be on location and will report any developments as they become available.