- About 36 million Canadians who aren’t engineers are smart-blind or otherwise cognitively impaired. Each year this number increases by 20,000
- New smart glasses, called EngVision, help people suffering from intellectual deficiencies to see the world as an engineer does
- The EngVision smart glasses are costly, with a price tag of about $18,000 and is not covered by most healthcare plans
CALGARY, Alberta – Bud Light was in his mid-30s when he began to notice his intellectual and cognitive abilities slowly but progressively deteriorate. The Edmonton-area pizza delivery man eventually lost the ability to answer the simplest questions. When asked why there are seasons on earth, Light would just stare into space looking lost; failing to complete a simple crossword puzzle would cause him significant frustrations which often led to episodes of severe depression and disassociated anxiety. After months of testing at the Leduc Observational Intellect Clinic, his IQ was steadily degrading, and eventually scored somewhere between a Red Footed Namibian Sloth and a petroleum geoscientist. This diagnosis drove Bud into severe depression, and near-lawyer like alcoholism. Subsequently he lost his drivers license, and finally his job, since it required him to drive.
“There is no cure. All I ever heard from the doctors is, ‘Sorry, there is nothing we can do for you,'” said Light, now 45.
But just last month Mr. Light happened upon a piece of technology at an adult oriented technology exhibition in Calgary. It was a pair of glasses called EngVision 2000™, and when he put them on, he realized that he was immediately much smarter than the average person. His intellectual prowess had drastically improved to 99th percentile levels. So much so that he felt that there was no question that he couldn’t answer.
“When I first put it on, I immediately started to think about some of the fundamental things that make up the universe, including the Standard Model of particle physics, and in particular how the Higgs Boson, which permeates all of space, was responsible for giving elementary particles their mass,” Light said. He continued, “I can’t believe I was smart-blind all of these years!”
Founded in 2018 by Michael Benty, a masters degree computer engineer with two legally smart-blind brothers, who are borderline dumber than the average British Columbian pipeline activist, Calgary-based ERTW Inc. developed the EngVision 2000™ proprietary smart glasses. The technology backed by a decade of in-house and in-work research. The one-man company keeps many specifics under wraps, but according to Michael, ERTW is “backed by millions of dollars,” and there are “thousands of stories” showcasing ordinary people using the EngVision 2000 product.
“As an academically trained engineer, I have gone through my adult life knowing more than pretty much everybody around me with the confidence and bravado to match. I realized that for the vast majority of Canadians, the business case for going to university to get an engineering degree does not make sense, so I figured I’d bring the engineering experience to them with these revolutionary new smart glasses. I believe everybody deserves to think, feel, and walk around with the confidence of seeing the world from an engineer’s POV. And as a nice side-effect, those who wear EngVision glasses will seldom lose an argument – even if they know they are wrong, they will continue to argue invalid points until the other person just plain gives up!” – Michael Benty, founder of ERTW Inc.
The company released its latest pair of smart glasses, EngVision XL Pro, last month. The glasses, which look like ordinary glasses with some doodads, wingdings, and farkles glued to them, are rechargeable and good for one to eight hours on a single charge. The glasses are equipped with a high-speed, high-definition camera that captures everything the user is observing. Data from the cameras and exterior nano-diletic sensors are sent via Bluetooth to an artificial intelligence, machine learning, predictive analytical Dozeno core processing unit whose output is tied to the wearer’s brain through special intra-nasal, sub-cranial neurotransreceptors that are embedded in the glasses’ nose pads.
The latest XL Pro smart glasses from ERTW Inc. feature the following enhancements:
- Built-in asymmetric idiot sensors that detect subjects with IQs that are less than 70, and automatically steers the wearer away from them to avoid uncomfortable social situations. A backup system is an attachment of neurotransmitters that will lower the wearer’s IQ to match that of a subject in case the wearer cannot escape.
- Special 3D hologram projection of a pair of eyes that mask the wearer’s eyes to make it appear that the user is making eye contact with any subject to whom he or she speaks. This is to help the user fight the strong urge to look at his or her own shoes while talking.
- When the wearer looks into a mirror, the image reflected back appears to be a very well-dressed person no matter what the user is wearing, including high-water pants, and a short-sleeved dress shirt with a pocket protector.
- Integrated femto-brewery that produces anywhere from 3 to 10 picoliters of beer per hour that diffuses directly into the wearer’s blood stream through a patented cranial hypo-cortex liquificationary osmosis pads on the glasses’ temples and nose pads. The consistent 0.0045 blood alcohol level that this system provides is absolutely necessary for the proper functioning of the glasses’ artificial intelligence CPU.
- Patented technology that allows wearers to appear to be interested in intellectually unstimulating conversation while internally rolling their eyes and cursing to their heart’s content.
The result is that every person who uses the EngVision XL Pro glasses today are able to live a life of intellectual superiority.
Glasses like the EngVision XL Pro are good for people suffering from any one of about a dozen intellectual shortcomings and cognitive deficiencies, among them Accountingosis, translatorial Midmanagers Disease, Geo-mapisitis, P&G c-suite neuro-macular, sub-detomical aerial chefamatory degeneration, and various forms of clinical mio-idiocy related to those having a background in bi-politics and trans-environmental activism. According to the National Federation of the Unlearned, roughly 30 million Canadians are smart-blind.
“It works for the overwhelming majority of the legally smart-blind,” Benty said, who added that its oldest user is 93. The youngest user: 8 years old. “I must admit, however, that there were a number of subjects who held geology degrees that the glasses could not help – their IQ was just far to low for the AI algorithms to kick in.”
While Bud Light still not licensed to drive (due to several DUI, SWA, and FBW charges), he said the glasses effectively restore his intellect and confidence. He’s now able to travel on his own, without his wife’s help, and has taken up new hobbies including nuclear physics, ASIC microchip development, and trying to devise a theory of quantum gravity.