Revolutionary Petroleum Refining Technology Touted

Old-style Refinery

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – In a move that will shake the refining industry right down to its booties, Easilay Research Corporation (a subsidiary of Sapphic Industries of Paradise Island) announced a radically new holistic technology for processing and refining hydrocarbons.  It promises to lower refining costs dramatically.

Easilay president Priscilla Pettibone described the technology during a break at the Pillsbury Bake-Off in Las Vegas, Nevada where she was judging the sludge category.  She said, “For many decades refiners have used a basic recipe:  dump crude oil into a big steel vat, add other ingredients like catalysts, stir, then bake.  A huge amount of heat and mechanical energy is required to get any results.

Priscilla Pettibone, Easilay Research
Priscilla Pettibone, Easilay Research

“We decided to take a much cooler approach and appeal to the feminine side of crude oil.  As a first step, a sort of ‘carrot-and-stick’ method is applied to separate the high ends from the low ends.  We found that hydrocarbon molecules up to C6 are seduced by a light-hearted, effervescent element like helium and are attracted to the high end of the process vessel whereas C7+ are drawn to a bad boy element like plutonium and head for the opposite low end.  In the next stage, what works for the really long-chain molecules is to ask them out on a date and then not show up.  The long-chains then spontaneously break down in tears and can be easily fractionated.  Catalysts are no longer needed.” – Priscilla Pettibone, Easilay Corp.

“Follow-up processes are used for splitting out specialty chemicals.  We have been able to create remarkably pure concentrations of happy molecules like cissy-butene by running the production stream through a vessel lined with suede jackets and silk underwear.  Aromatics are promised a try-out with Chanel Perfumes.  Benzenes get a diamond for their rings.  Many other processes are proprietary and I can’t describe them, but you get the idea.”

Dr. Bunsen Berner, TexxonMogul VP of Refining
Dr. Bunsen Berner, TexxonMogul VP of Refining

Skepticism was the order of the day when other refiners were polled for their opinion of the new processes.  When asked by 2P News for his opinion, TexxonMogul Vice-President of Refining Dr. Bunsen Berner said, “This is the stupidest, most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.  Is it April Fool’s Day?  Is the technology available for license?”  He then left the room, saying he had to make some phone calls and order some flowers.