Santa Claus divests North Pole, acquires region’s oil and gas rights

A painting of Santa celebrating his retirement in 2014
An artist’s rendition of Santa celebrating his retirement, and bid for PNG market domination in 2014

NOME, Alaska – Everybody loves Christmas and what’s not to like?  Cheer, happiness, love, and giving surround people from all walks of life and all faiths during this time of the year.  A big part of this traditional holiday is the story and legend of Kris Kringle, who is also known as Santa Claus.

Although little is known about the big red tub of jolly, the fact is, he runs a non-profit manufacturing organization that rivals the size of many of its competitors combined.  While Santa and his elves typically struggle and toil in the toy workshops, it has always been assumed they were content with the rewarding love that oozes out of each child and into their hearts.  So it is with a heavy, but understanding, heart that we here at 2P News announce on Mr. Kringles behalf, the end of generations of Christmas with Santa.

Effective January 1, 2014, Santa Claus, aka Kris Kringle, sole proprietor of Toys & Junk Inc., has announced the whole and complete dissolution and divestment of all holdings related to Toy & Junk Inc., including several workshops and residences in the North Pole.

In a bid to keep up with lightening fast commodities markets, and to make a change that better suits his family and his army of 3 foot elves, Santa Claus created Reindeer Resources, and North Pole Drilling LLC.  This news, in conjunction with the recent announcement of a strange private PNG operator buying up all mineral rights in several Arctic regions, explains today’s exciting press release.

Reindeer Resources has purchased its way to a 90% ownership scheme in 75% of the Arctic oil and gas plays known to date, including the highly coveted Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR).  It appears that Santa Clause has given up making toys for millions of children, and turned into a greedy whore.

social worker
Josh Worthing, Child Helper and Special Friend

Well, I guess the stress just got to him.  With all the iPuke and Gaggle, Revlon and LuLuSlutty out there, it’s hard to imagine what kids see in a wholesome icon like Santa anymore.  I mean really, you think any of these 10 year olds want a Barbie for Christmas?  No.  They either want botox to look like Barbie, or they want to get Barbie in the sack.

Christmas has changed with our kids, and I think he made the right decision. – Josh Worthing, childrens therapist for the Calgary Board of Education

 

 

North Pole Drilling LLC has apparently finalized several rent-to-own contracts for drilling equipment with Ensign and Precision, both of whom are bleeding dollars to rusting equipment sitting in Nisku, Alberta.  With the estimated staff of 45,000 elves, and the right hardware, Reindeer Resources is poised to make a strong run at Arctic production.

DongBin
Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn, CEO Bendovus Energy

Even with a small capital budget, elves work for cookies and other sweets.  Literally.  Given that Santa already holds a majority share in Keebler Enterprises, it makes sense that Reindeer could drill and tie in 40-60 wells a year for a modest $30M. – Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn, CEO Bendovus Energy, watching closely on this proposed development

The world will watch with crying eyes as Santa says goodbye to the children of the world, and looks forward as Reindeer Resources proceeds into 2014 and beyond.  With wide open opportunities and the rights to nearly every region of potential resource production in the Arctic, a new era of private PNG wealth may be upon us.  Happy effin’ holidays.