Satan Sued by Environmentalist Groups for Breach of Contract

Satan conferring with his lawyers
Gomer Piles, esq.
Gomer Piles, esq.

NEW YORK, New York – Mr. Gomer Piles, attorney and spokesman for a coalition of environmentalist groups, announced today that a lawsuit has been filed in the Grand High Mufti Court in Tehran, Iran alleging that Satan has not lived up to his end of a contract to perform services related to the oil and gas industry.  Mr. Piles explained,

“People sell their souls all the time for personal gain, but our deal with Satan was for the good of the planet.  We believe that eternal damnation is a small price to pay to save the environment.  However, Satan is making things difficult for us by allowing wind turbines to kill millions of birds and solar farms to wipe out the desert tortoise.  He is meeting neither the spirit nor the letter of the law regarding our contract.”

The suit contends that a number of other specific contract provisions have not been met, including but not limited to:

  • The fire coming out of water faucets in the fantasy movie “Gasland” was ordinary fire and not hellfire.
  • No baby seals or kittens were discovered being used to make frac fluid.
  • Gasoline and diesel fuel are still legal and widely available.
  • No oil industry CEOs have been indicted.
  • Fracking has yet to be revealed as the harbinger of the Apocalypse.

When asked about the unusual venue, Piles stated that, “The lunatics in Tehran are the only ones who would accept the case. We think that they believe we’re talking about the Great Satan America rather than the Satan who runs Hell.  But in a pinch any old court will do.  The only difficulty is that all the documents have to be in the Farsi language.  And all documents have to end with ‘Death to America’,”

Fred the Head Case
Fred the Head Case

The coalition includes the GMC Sierra Club, Green Piece of Pahrump Nevada, Citizens Who Don’t Like Anything, Citizens With Nothing Better to Do and Fred the Head Case. Fred was included because he threatened to hold his breath until he turned blue.  They hope that other organizations will join the coalition prior to the first hearing in July.

The law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe that has represented Satan on numerous occasions issued a press release stating that the lawsuit was without merit and will be vigorously defended. Willie Slick, a partner in DC&H added, “Those buffoons think they’ve been tricked?  Well, here’s a news flash.  He’s Satan. What in Hell do you expect?”

When contacted directly by 2P News, on advice of his attorneys Satan declined to offer any comments, citing the pending lawsuit.

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Sir William Shortspeare, hereditary lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, has over forty years’ experience at being a devout prig. Staying one step ahead of the nancy boys at Clovenhoof College, he graduated with a degree in Nothing Special. Thus eminently qualified, he joined British Petroleum and was immediately posted to Houston. After enduring one summer of Texas heat, he spent the remainder of his career demanding a transfer. Now retired, he casts a jaundiced eye on the petroleum industry from Southern California and reports his findings to 2P News.

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