Breaking News! New seismic wave discovered

CLEVELAND, Ohio – A group of scientists at the Earth Motion Laboratory in Shaker Heights, Ohio announced today the discovery of a new type of seismic wave that they have dubbed the Stadium Wave.

In most cases, announcements like this don’t even make the comics page, but the science of seismology is receiving renewed interest due to the possible relationship among oil and gas well hydraulic stimulation, earthquakes, and hysteria.

Dr. Ray Lee led the group of investigators who are publishing their results in the Journal of the American Geophantastical Union.

He reports,

Dr.
Dr. Ray Lee, Geophysicist

The Stadium Wave was first detected in 1981 at a baseball stadium in Oakland, California. The locale is why we decided to call it by that name. This first occurrence was followed by others that were reported anecdotally but it wasn’t until cell phone cameras became common that we received enough recorded video data to carefully study the phenomenon.

My brother, Dr. Stone Lee, working at the Institut für das Studium der dumme Dinge in Geneva, Switzerland, provided additional data from European stadia. Stone’s Studium stadia study started following structural stress on a stadium in Stuttgart stemming strictly from a Wave. – Dr. Ray Lee, investigator

The mathematical model of the Stadium Wave constructed by the scientists is based on the Onan-Wanker theorem of inadvertent particle motion when subjected to six-dimensional jiggling and Moosepeace beer. An explanation of why the wave occurs in oval structures is still under investigation, but it may be related to when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Peace will guide the planets and Love Waves will steer the stars.

wave1
The human Stadium Wave (L) and its mathematic seismically realized representation

Dr. Lee added,

The Stadium Wave is obviously powerful enough to bounce people out of their seats and fling their arms up into the air. If one hits with enough force, quite a few people could be injured. We have applied to the National Science Foundation for a $3 billion dollar grant for further study. It is imperative that we fully understand the Stadium Wave and its potential for mayhem. – Dr. Lee

Officials at the U. S. Geological Survey are skeptical. Dr. Craven Sinnick said, “Of course we’ll study the data, but we’ve already made up our minds and won’t let facts get in the way of our preconceived notions. I hate football.”