Frac fluid discovered to cure STIs

CALGARY, Alberta – Bangkoch Fluids, a drilling and completions fluid design company, has announced a breakthrough medical treatment in conjunction with Sylvan Lake Community College.  The patented formula, a well known and commonly used fracking fluid called “Bustin’ Rock 495i,” has recently been proven to cure most, if not all, STIs if used quickly and as directed.

A frac accident exposed the crews
A frac accident exposed the crews

Bangkoch Fluids was in the middle of a workers compensation war last year, when a frack crew and a drilling crew were exposed to the fluid during operations.  It turned out that while 4 of the 34 men had some sort of confirmed sexually transmitted infection, they all tested negative after exposure.  Bangkoch took the findings to a professor at the Sylvan lake Community College, which has the highest ratio of STI positive students in North America.  A project was designed and approved to test the findings and enter human clinical trials.  And because it was an industrial chemical, no government or AHS approval was necessary to move forward.

Chester Digglesbare
Chester Digglesbare

We saw the results from those men on the rigs and knew we had to proceed.  If we had an accidental formula strong enough to wipe out STIs and allow us to re-enter the 70’s style world of free love, who wouldn’t want that? – Chester P. Digglesbare, Assoc. Prof. of WaterSports

Bangkoch FLuids and the SLCC have released the results of a quadruple blind human testing process that proves “Bustin’ Rock 495i” cures everything from a simple case of herpes to HIV in a matter of days.  As is par for the course, bids are in from major pharmaceutical companies, as well as Hollimorton and Wetterford.  It remains to be seen if Bangkoch will sell out or move into full scale manufacturing and remove themselves from the oil and gas indistry all together.  As it is, stocks have risen from $4.89 to over $100 per share in recent trading, and most of the students at SLCC have stopped scratching their crotches.

Kaaina, on the right
Kaaina, on the right

I entered the study so me and my boyfriend could finally have sex without a condom.  He is so scared just cause I get those sores down there.  He says they’re a turn off, but hey, now I can have all the sex I want and not worry about getting bumps or red shit all over my pooner. – Kaaina Jersey, 3rd year student at SLCC, majoring in Fishing

The medical community is afire with the news of this breakthrough, and it has been passed on to 2P News that more than a few 3rd world nations (and California) are also clamoring to learn the secret of the new formula, in hopes of curing massive epidemics in their respective regions.