Surplus Aircraft to be used in Tar Sand Mining

Surplus Aircraft in Storage
Mr. Batson Belfry
Mr. Batson Belfry

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – At a press conference in Mojave, California, Mr. Batson Belfry, CEO of a newly formed corporation, Alberta Impact Mining (AIM), announced the development of new technology to improve the extraction of tar sand bitumen. The key element of his process is the use of surplus aircraft.

He explained,

“The idea came to me when I was driving from Las Vegas to Southern California. In the Mojave Desert, there is a huge ‘boneyard’, as they’re called, of out-of-service airplanes. They range in size from small single engine two-seaters up to Boeing 747s. With a little research, I found that there are numerous such boneyards containing thousands of aircraft. Most have only scrap value, but many are stored in such a way that they can be returned to service with little effort.

“I have a financial interest in a tar sand mining project at Athabasca in Alberta and it occurred to me that an essentially valueless aircraft could be loaded with explosives and flown by remote control to a mining area. Once there it would pitch into a steep dive, strike the earth with enough force to penetrate many tens of meters and explode. This will create a crater with huge piles of loose sand around the rim. The loosened material is easily scooped up for processing. In areas where the tar sand is deeper, the overburden can be removed the same way.”

Mr. Belfry said that the method is still in the testing phase. So far only empty aircraft have been crashed in order to test the remote control system. Three more test flights are scheduled. “We load the test aircraft with just enough fuel to reach its destination. We don’t want a repeat of one of our test runs when a fully-fueled 747 crashed into downtown Ft. McMurray, Alberta, burst into flames and did C$42.00 worth of damage.”

Mr. Ecks
Mr. Ecks

Mr. Belfry declined to answer any questions, instead deferring to his aviation consultant, Mr. Ecks, believed to be retired from the U. S. Central Intelligence Agency. Once Mr. Belfry departed, Mr. Ecks also declined to answer any questions. After the press conference ended, your correspondent had an off-the-record conversation with Mr. Ecks. However, since 2P News has no journalistic integrity whatsoever, we can report that he admitted the method hasn’t a chance in hell of working and he simply likes to watch things blow up.

SHARE
Previous articleWar Declared after Japecks/Mitsooey Sneak Attack on TexxonMogul
Next articleInuit to Farm-Raise Sperm Whales
The Honorable Antoine McGuilicuddy is a 2P News co-founder. Studying geology was just the tip of the iceberg for this iconic oil and gas dynamo. Frustrated with the idiocy and general stupidity of most of his peers, he transitioned into 2P with smile, and hasn't looked back since.

2 COMMENTS

  1. You might find some of those B-52s still have some nukes left on board that they forgot about -much more efficient for tar sands and assorted mining operations. Would it cause a chain reaction though if used for Uranium mining?

    (your email server is broken and not accepting my submissions to editor at 2pnews.com)

    You neglect to specify what base on your mathematical question below. Is it base 10 or base 16 or binary?
    Enquiring minds want to know.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

four × 5 =