LOS ANGELES, California – Mr. Elmer Fludd, President and Chief Executive Officer of Melblanc Exploration in Warnerbros, California announced that a U. S. patent has been granted for his company’s new enhanced oil recovery process. When asked for a description of the process, he replied,
“It’s actually vewy vewy simple. We use an existing well to inject cawwot juice into the weservoir and then we welease wascally wabbits who smell the cawwots and buwwow into the weservoir and cweate the equivalent of multiple howizontal latewals. Estimated ultimate wecovewy can appwoach 60%.”
Mr. Fludd added that there are some limitations to the process. He confessed, “The wabbits can’t dig vewy deep, so the weservoir needs to be welatively shallow. It also helps if the wabbits are weally weally hungwy. That’s why we keep them penned up for several days until their little tummies are gwowling. Then they dig like cwazy.” He was asked if this constitutes animal cruelty and replied, “What, are you daffy? The wabbits might get a little oil on their pwecious fur but they’re otherwise fine. Now shhhh! Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting more wabbits.”
However, a major problem with the process is that according to the company website Cawwot.con it works only on Tertiary-age (Paleocene through Pliocene) reservoirs. When this was brought to Mr. Fludd’s attention, he explained the reason. “Twue, twue. But that’s why it’s called Tertiawy wecovewy and not Cwetaceous or Juwassic wecovewy.”
Mr. Boggs Beaunie, head of the U. S. Patent and Trademark Office, defended the issuance of a patent for Melblanc’s process to 2P News. He said, “Look, Doc, we’ve granted patents for a toilet lid lock, a motorized ice cream cone and a paddle-wheel airplane. Patenting the process of using carrot juice and rabbits to produce oil isn’t that much of a stretch. Besides, it provides jobs for unemployed rabbits and everyone thinks they’re so cute.”
Ms. Petunia Funnelcake Bossipants of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) promised to organize a protest at Melblanc’s headquarters. She said, “We’ll flood with a thud that dud Fludd with mud, crud and blood if he persists in this blatant violation of animal rights.” Following this pronouncement, Ms. Bossipants was roundly criticized by the People Embracing Trivial Alliteration (PETA) for using rhymes instead of alliteration. Their spokesman said, “Bossipants’ biased boasts are blatant buffoonery.” In an unrelated note, another group, People Eating Tasty Animals (PETA), has sued for exclusive use of the acronym.