The Ballad of Calgary Joe

Elbow River

Mostly stolen from “The Ballad of Yukon Jake” by Edward E. Paramore, Jr.

Calgary Joe
Calgary Joe

Oh the north country is a hard country

That mothers a bloody brood

And its icy arms hold hidden charms

For the greedy, the sinful and lewd.

 

And strong men lust for that bitumen crust

That makes the Northland shiver.

But the wickedest born, from the Pole to the Horn

Is the Landman of Elbow River.

 

Now Joseph Kaime was the Landman’s name

In the days of his honest youth

Then like a fool he went to school

And majored in something uncouth.

 

He heard a whispered tale of illicit kale

To be had from a mineral lease

So he made a deal that was quite a steal

By cheating the parish priest.

 

He left his abode and hit the road

Bound for the Elbow’s frozen banks

And he learned to curse and to drink and worse

‘Til Moosepeace oozed from his flanks.

 

He longed for the bite of the Canadian night

And a neon sign’s weird flicker

Or a game of stud in the frozen mud

And the taste of high cost liquor.

 

Now we all know of Calgary Joe,

The Landman of Elbow River

For this is the name of Joseph Kaime

Who makes brave men stand and deliver.

 

No one says no to Calgary Joe

He gives no ground, not even a sliver

“You’ll know no peace ‘til you sign this lease”

Says the Landman of Elbow River.

 

With a sharp command he’d make them stand

And deliver their paid-up lease

Then drink the bar dry of rum and rye

And laughter that never would cease.

 

Oh the north country is a hard country

That mothers a bloody brood

And its icy arms hold hidden charms

For the greedy, the sinful and lewd.

 

And strong men lust for that bitumen crust

That makes the Northland shiver

But the wickedest born, from the Pole to the Horn

Is the Landman of Elbow River.

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Dr. Darcy Flowman is a 2P News co-founder. Before transitioning into a career in news publishing, Dr. Flowman worked as a Reservoir Engineering technician working up reservoirs throughout the entire Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin. Darcy holds a B.Sc. in applied engineering physics, a M.Sc. in restorative arts, and a Ph.D. in overnight cemetery management.

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