OTTAWA, Ontario – A number of documents pertaining to the future of the Liberal Party of Canada was released over the weekend from an anonymous email source. The documents outline what seems to be the future running platform and policy guide Justin Trudeau will use when he makes his official run for Prime Minister.
2P News received the documents late Saturday evening and, after thorough consultation with a legal professional, has decided to publish the most controversial portions of the new Liberal campaign.
- The Liberal Party wishes to announce more statutory holidays in an effort to “gay up” Canada. Don’t get mad. Literally gay, as in happy. The wording might throw some voters off, but we think an annual Canadian Gay Day is an excellent idea.
- Income Tax increases for adolescent workers. The Liberal Party seeks to increase the income tax rates to a flat rate, 82% tax for workers under the age of 16. This should help the government coffers by ensuring most of the wages paid out at McDonalds and Tim Hortons are being redistributed to the country’s needy provinces. To quote Justin Trudeau: “Alberta kids don’t need that money anyway.”
- Quebec will be exempt from any further meetings or negotiations with premiers from other provinces. They can simply deal with the federal government and Prime Minister on all matters. This measure should remove any lingering doubt that Quebec has special needs and provide a simpler, less time consuming way for them to whine about how badly they get treated compared to provinces that contribute to Canada’s growth and stability.
- Ontario shall be officially recognized as the centre of Canada. A 3500 foot tall beacon tower will be erected in the centre of Ottawa with a searchlight and laser light show. The beacon should be visible from most of Canada and of course from space, and cost a measly $2.5 billion dollars. This will undoubtedly be the most pompous thing every created on Earth, but the Liberal Party sees it as a way to solidify its place with Canadians as the hub of power and knowledge.
- The province of Saskatchewan will be the re-zoned as a National Historic Monument. All of it. With only two small small cities that Trudeau could even remember, much of it was deemed wilderness by the Liberals, and protecting wilderness is something voters love to hear. Manitoba is also being considered.
- British Columbia residents can rest easy knowing that Justin Trudeau is on their side. While not sharing their enthusiasm for coastal oilsands or the failed Keystoned Pipeline, he wants to make sure the province succeeds and meets economic expectations. The Liberals plan to support fishing and logging in the province by extending the border of BC eastwards and re-classifying 32 million hectares of Alberta as official British Columbia territory. This includes lakes and other waterways. Alberta residents in those areas will be told to suck it up.
- Liberals plan to fully enact and proceed with plans to lower sea level.
- Provinces in eastern and maritime Canada were largely left out of the proposed platform notes. Suspiciously, hand written receipts and IOU documents were mixed in the the other scanned paperwork and may actually be sales receipts and purchase orders outlining the sale of almost everything east of Toronto. Signatures on the receipts indicate China and Iran as the primary buyers for east coast territories.
Although Justin Trudeau could not be reached to comment on the documents, his aide did say that he and his boss were unaware of any such platform. The court of public opinion will ultimately judge the authenticity of the documents and Canadians will provide feedback in the polls.