Trump taking immigration separation policies to unprecedented levels

President Donald Trump discussing new immigration law for Canadian petroleum products.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Trump has gone another step further today defining his polices surrounding border crossing, migration, and import tariffs.

With a recent surge of oil and gas companies criticizing the aluminum and steel tariffs the president has recently implemented, President Trump is attempting to calm the unease by redefining oil and gas as a carbon-based entity of its own, and as such, reclassifying it to fall under immigration policies rather than under natural resource imports.

The move is being regarded as spectacularly imbecilic, even by Trump standards.

In signing this self-drafted Executive Order that circumvented Congress, the US President has redefined oil, gas, and all petroleum products as carbon based resources, or CBRs.  And further to that, these newly classified CBRs will fall under US immigration law rather than federal import regulations.

Trump

“Oil and gas from Canada has been flowing into my United States without question for decades, and now that we produce enough of our own oil and gas here in America, we need to tighten things up and make sure that the Canadian oil and gas follow immigration procedures and have the right documentation before entering. The good thing is that all import tariffs will no longer apply, so it’ll save the canucks some money.” – President Trump

The President continued by stating that CBRs that cross the border into the US illegally might be able to claim asylum in storage tanks in Texas until they can be vetted and approved. But before being stored, his plan is to separate the oil from the gas and possibly reunite them after the immigration process is complete.

Phil Dockheiser, a lawyer and spokesperson with the California State Department of Freeways, believes the idea is ridiculous.

“Equating a carbon based resource to our carbon based life-form for the purposes of legislative pandering is a new low for the sitting President.”  – Phil Dockheiser

According to the new Executive Order and accompanying documentation, that was studied by 2P News’ co-founder Darcy Flowman, Mexican oil immigration will be seen as preferential to Canadian oil immigration, simply due to its basic viscosity and usefulness.  It seems that Canadian crude oil has been deemed to dirty, filth-ridden, and bloated to meet the “Usefulness Criteria” laid out by President Trump.  Not to mention it was specifically termed Trudeau Excrement in all pages of the document.

Storage fields. A snapshot of Canadian Air Force drone surveillance footage of a suspected oil storage facility near Houston, Texas.

Trump’s Immigration Aide, Miss Daisy Biguntitter, a petroleum biologist with the US Immigration Office, calls these new rules fair and practical.

“Petroleum has its roots in carbon-based life forms, and so do we humans. So by the law of congruent isosceles triangular association, the rules that apply to humans for immigration should also apply to raw petroleum, but not to the more refined and useful petroleum products such as gasoline, diesel and plastics. It’s just like migration, we are much more likely to accept a well-dressed Canadian fella wearing a suit who has a job to do, than some toque-wearing, man-bun sportin’, pot-smokin’ hipster.” – Miss Biguntitter

Opponents to the new Executive Order abound, who shout for fair treatment of the raw petroleum. Some believe there are machines, called separators, that do the dirty work of separating oil from gas.

“How can anybody think it is okay to separate oil and gas that illegally enters a country and store them in separate areas for further processing? I’ve heard rumours that the oil will be stored in massive, overcrowded tanks on the surface, and its associated gas will be forced underground and stored in massive caverns under very high pressures. Treating oil and gas this way is unacceptable no matter how you look at it and this man has to be stopped!” – Michael Therapese, concerned Canadian

Border officials in the US say that President Trump has granted approval for them to build an underground across the entire border if need be.