Big Oil CEO says $12 oil is coming

CALGARY, Alberta – Money Edwardo, CEO of PNRL has boldly stated that he sees $12 oil on the horizon, and that the world should embrace it as a blessing.  In a public press release Saturday, Edwardo also claimed that PNRL was set to weather the price drop, if not flourish from it.

Money Edwardo with Alison Redford.  Friends forever!
Money Edwardo with Alison Redford. Besties forever!

We all saw the writing on the wall years ago when gas dropped, the Saudis went crazy, and then those damn ‘Mericans went all Gung-Ho with their drill and frack programs.  The world wasn’t ready for that kind of success, and I’m not sure it ever will be.

We need the price of oil to drop and drop fast to get all these damn opportunistic idiots out of the mix.  If we can get rid of the riff faff, we can get some real business done.  I’ve preemptively sold the next 5 years of our production to refineries in Keginastizastan at a set price of $68.50 per BOE.  PNRL will survive.  Others?  Who cares. – Money Edwardo, CEO of PNRL

The statement blindsided everyone including the Premier of Alberta, Jim Prentice.  Prentice had come out earlier in the week announcing budget plans revolving around a $65-$70 price per BOE.  If Edwardo is correct, Alberta could be doomed at $12 oil.

Jimmie Prents all gussied up for a speech
Jimmie Prents all gussied up for a speech

We don’t agree with him, and are sure that he must be shorting some stock or snorting some *ock somewhere.  $12 is ludicrous.   If we budgeted that low how would we even fly to meetings around the province let alone our international obligations and gala balls?  We would have to kill all international shmoozing and forget trying to make the oilseeds look like a green alternative.  Wow.  $12 would suck. – Jim Prentice outside one of 7 Stettler, AB Timmies

Some people celebrate the drop however, and many members of the Social Coalition for Zero Energy threw a $5 plate Beans & Wieners dinner over the weekend to celebrate what they see as the end of oil and gas around the globe.

Juniper enjoying a beer down south.  Always ready for a party.
Juniper enjoying a beer down south. Always ready for a party.

I love it.  I just want all oil to go away.  People can walk and ride horses again.  Electric skates and mopeds, maybe get more donkeys.  Oil is just so greasy.  Yucky.  We had 36 people show up to our gala dinner and it was great.  An organic meal cooked over open wood fire, and hand smooshed grapes left to rot for 8 months made everyone happier.  I hope they all die.  Oil companies that is, not people, that would be mean. – Juniper Sun Beach, Founder of SCZE.

While the price of oil is currently in massive fluctuations after the recent OPEC meetings, market analysts do admit that too much criticism from the leaders of industry like Edwardo could destabilize the price further.  Rumors of allegiances between Iran and Russia to convince Saudi Arabia to get with the program are also causing wild industry speculation.

With no foreseeable slow down in the American shale oil plays, Edwardo just might be right this time.  For once.  Or at least a little while.

 

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