CANCUN, Mexico – Petróleos Mexicanos (Pemex), the national oil company of Mexico, admitted today that it has been shipping large quantities of crude oil across the United States border without proper documentation.
Spokesman Hasta Luego explained that the real problem is cheap Central American crude that is smuggled into southern Mexico in search of a better price. The Mexican constitution mandates that only Mexican crude can be processed in Mexican refineries, so the oil has to be transshipped in the Coyote system through Mexico all the way to its northern border. From there, the oil has to find its own path north to refineries in Texas and California.
Señor Luego moaned,
Mexico is a poor country and we do what we can, but the situation is all the fault of the U. S. If they would reduce their demand for oil, this would not happen! Is it lunch time? Are you buying? – Señor Luego, Pemex
When asked if anything at all is Mexico’s fault, he said being next door to the U. S. absolves them of any responsibility.
Once the oil crosses the border it has quite a negative impact on the landscape. South Texas rancher Vern Haggard said, “That damned meskin crude is loaded with sulfur and stinks to high heaven. Spills happen every day on my land and they’re a bitch to clean up. The feds expect me to clean up the messes and won’t lift a finger to help. Hell, the EPA even tried to fine me for leaving a puddle for over a week.”
Crass Bloheart of the U. S. Environmental Protection Agency, when quizzed about Mr. Haggard’s allegation, said,
We regret ordering him to clean up other people’s messes, but it’s his land anthe EPA has no funds allocated for it. However, we are working to remedy the situation. We have scheduled a week-long conference in Honolulu to develop a plan for finding the money to help people like Mr. Haggard. – Mr. Bloheart, EPA
Oil intercepted and confiscated by the U. S. Border Patrol is held in tank farms in South Texas until it can be repatriated to Mexico. However, many members of the U. S. congress believe the oil should be sold instead of held in order to fund the Border Patrol and congressional pensions.
A few members of the lunatic fringe in congress want to dump the oil in the Rio Grande and set it on fire to discourage any further illegal shipments.