United Nations Summit Disbanded – Global Warming Halted

NEW YORK, New York – The General Assembly of the United Nations in New York was officially disbanded when it was discovered that the hot air generated by the Assembly was responsible for global warming.  The disbanding commenced when a peace keeping force was brought to the central UN facility with orders to round up representatives peacefully and remove them from the premises.  Although there were no reported incidents of violence, rumours abound that the UN Peace Keepers had orders to use stun guns and rubber bullets on any individuals caught arguing or even speaking with disdain to the Removal Force Officers.  UN chair and official spokesman Dbčn Ouħeixqz was seen being loaded into a large minibus near the central building.  Reports say he was crying like a little girl as they escorted him from his cushy office and informed him he was being sent back to Liberia on the next available flight.

Professor Linus Frootloop, representing the National Academy of People Smarter Than You, summarized the report that precipitated the disbanding.

Professor Linus Frootloop on a  "Casual Friday"
Professor Linus Frootloop on a “Casual Friday”

Actually, the first data came from the U. S. Space Command at Cheyenne Mountain. When their ICBM launch warning system was first started, they had to put in a software command to ignore a section of NewYork City that constantly glowed bright red, centered on the UN building complex. Knowledge of this anomaly eventually found its way to climatologists who discovered that the plume of rapidly rising hot air was disrupting jet streams. This affected weather patterns worldwide and was misinterpreted as global warming.

Environmental activists are rounding up the troops for a full out assault on the decision, fearing they will end up with nothing to do if the global warming crisis is solved.  Lybell S. Schmuck, the predominant mouthpiece for The High Sierra Association, knows there are more battles to be fought with natural resource developers.

 This came out of nowhere. Does Obama realize how many people are going to have to find new things to do or, God help us, find jobs?  Oh well, we still have fracking to get our knickers all knotted up over.

California Governor Jerry “Downtown” Brown was asked if the state’s Cap and Trade program for reduction of greenhouse gases would remain in force in light of the new information.

Jerry “Downtown” Brown
Jerry “Downtown” Brown

Of course it will. We’re not about to give up our biggest source of tax revenue. It is almost the only thing keeping Californians in surf shorts and marijuana.  I’ll admit for the record that we never gave a shit about the science anyway.  But our policy got results, and results are what matters.