Obama planning to charge duty on US oil under Canadian soil

WASHINGTON, DC – In a political move that is sure to sour the relationship between Canada and its neighbor to the south, President Obama announced plans this morning to send an invoice to Stephen Harper for royalties on all of the oil that has been produced in Canada, but had originally matured in regional formations firmly located below the surface of the the United States.

In an interview with 2P News reporter Rodecker Smith, President Obama admitted that the plan was a little “out there” yet is was the right thing to do.

President Obama
President Obama

The USGS… and the Department of Energy… approached the Oval Office a few weeks ago… and notified me that the oil that the Canadian companies are producing from the formations in the southwestern part of Canada…  actually migrated there from our great country.

They told me that America… is not only entitled to royalties on that oil… can I get an amen!… but we are also entitled to collecting duty on the oil that crossed the border without the proper paperwork. – President Obama, reading from notes written by First Lady Michelle

According to the draft invoice, a copy of which Rodecker Smith was able to secure earlier today, the US government is looking for $389.6 trillion, which was calculated based on historical production records, as well as the Proved plus Probable plus Possible reserves currently on the books for all of the companies operating in the region.

The figure also includes 4.2% interest on the oil back-dated to when it was formed, which the chief USGS geologist estimated was 285 million years ago.  The footer in the invoice had a special provision that would allow Canada to make 60 interest-free payments over the next 5 years starting January 1st, 2015.

Screen Shot 2014-06-15 at 11.01.04 PM
Riggle Stumpburger

While it is technically true that the oil produced from the Bakken, Three Forks, Canyonero, Trulove, and possibly Lower Red River formations migrated from source rocks lying within the geographical United States, this is ridiculous. Obama is simply to daft to understand the intricacies of geology I suppose, and he most likely got duped by Johnny Holdren.

Dr. Oglefart of the USGS and Johnny go way back, you see, and I think the USGS is struggling for funds these days. I’d like to know what percentage of this invoice goes directly into Oglefarts pocket. – Riggle Stumpburger, P.Geo., Director of the Canadian Geological Survey

The Prime Minister’s Office has been strangely silent on the matter, although a source close to Mr. Harper said that Stephen was so angry that his hair “got all messed up.” While opposition leaders are vehemently pushing for the bill to be paid and for the conservatives to answer for this gross oversight of our energy sector.

Apparently, Justin Trudeau was brimming with anger when he talked to Rodecker Smith on Capitol Hill.

Justin Trudeau
An angry Justin Trudeau

I want Harper’s head and I want it now.  He slips up here and there, sure, we all do – that’s just human.  But neglecting to notice our energy companies hadn’t paid the USA for the oil we’ve been producing… like, FOREVER!?  That is pure negligence. He should be fired, impeached, racked, grilled, and then maybe even have ‘Idiot’ tattooed on his face.  This is the biggest energy scandal in Canada since my dad, God rest his soul. – JT, aka Shiny Pony

The United States has given Stephen Harper and his PMO until the end of this week to reply to the invoice. If the first payment has not been received by midnight on January 1st, 2015, the US will impose economic sanctions against Canada including not allowing American hockey players to play in NHL games north of the 49th parallel. Mr. Obama will also punish Canadians by no longer allowing Budweiser and Coors Light exports.

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