Walmart acquires Neighbours Drilling for $12.7B

CALGARY, Alberta – It seems that Walmart isn’t going to stop expanding even though the corporate juggernaut has effectively monopolized the discount retail shopping sector throughout the world.  The ever-growing Walmart multinational is once again seeking new horizons with its $12.731 billion acquisition of Calgary-based Neighbours Drilling Corporation.

The cash and Rollback coupon deal was outlined yesterday at a press conference in Houston, Texas.  Both parties have agreed to a set of simple terms and conditions, although Walmart has insisted that some basic policies will change to fit its business model.

Denton
Denton Havewell, CEO Neighbours Drilling

We couldn’t turn down an offer like this in times like these.  We were doing okay, but man, with such a lucrative offer, and we don’t have to lay anyone off?  We had to take it.  There are a few policy changes that the staff might not be very fond of, but hey, what do you expect from Walmart.

If people open their hearts and minds, and just do the aptitude and focus re-training camps set out for them like all the other Walmart staff, they will do just fine – perhaps even better than before. Lets face it, our management team was a bunch of 3 strike losers who should have been jailed a long time ago.  I think you’ll see others doing the same thing to save their companies in the future. – Denton Havewell, CEO Neighbours Drilling

The deal will see all shops, rigs, and vehicles re-branded with the Walmart corporate logo, and all issued safety gear will be re-branded and redistributed to staff in all locations throughout the world.

Each day at shift change, crews will gather to sing a short song about safety and a pledge to work as hard as they can to make the company grow.

A contract that demands perfect obedience while wearing the yellow and blue corporate colours will also be a part of employment from this point forward.  It also seems there will be over 1200 jobs created as a result of this takeover, as Walmart has demanded that a greeter be present at all location gates where a Neighbours’ rig is in operation. Greeters must be at least 85 years old.

Kip
Kip Awsum, Walmart

We intend to put a friendly greeter at all gates and entrances to a work site. Their job is to shake the hand of every site worker who enters the rig area, with a smile. This is not only a friendly thing to do, it is a safety measure, since each greater will also be asking to see all safety tickets. It also creates jobs for people in these hard times so, really, everybody wins here. – Kip Awsum, P.Eng., VP of Greeter Engineering, Walmart

With many fine details still being ironed out, investment brokers and bankers are concerned about what this means for the investment community.  With retail and commodity services merging to create growth within their respective sectors, the lines between opportunities are blurring according to McDaneel & McDaneal in Calgary.

porsche
Jamir Hassafet wouldn’t pose for a picture, so we Paparazzi’ded one of his precious Dou-rsche

We don’t know what to make of it.  Walmart buying a service provider?  Whats next?  Whetherford buying Boston Pizza?  Or maybe Bendovus buying out Mr. Lubes?

This is going to throw all the definitive things we know about the markets into complete and utter disorganization.  I guess the world is changing though, and as long as I can still drive my Porsche home to my trophy wife, I’m happy. – Jamir Hassafet, P. Eng, M.Sci, MBA, HYK, BN.W, from outside of his favourite restaurant, walking to his car that his parked in a handicapped parking spot.

 

 

14 COMMENTS

    • @ Shawn John’s: 2P News does indeed have exclusivity on this story, because we MADE IT UP. We don’t expect you to find this story on any other website, unless that website has used our content without permission. Thanks, man.

  1. Hey another very tiny tidbit a small pumping outfit in Southeast Saskatchewan prowell pumping was bought by rock solid coil tubing out of Alberta. Prowell just couldn’t compete.

    • @ Steven: We are truly sorry for your loss (and I mean that – no satire, no joke, just genuine sincerity). Some of the people who write part-time for 2P News have also recently lost their jobs. For what it is worth, this article was published on April 4th, 2014 and likely written a few days before that. At that time the industry was very busy and most people were working.

      We’re sorry, Steven. All the best, man.

  2. @Steven: I’m a primary editor and owner of 2P, and I was laid off just before Christmas. I get it.

    As Darcy said, this was written a year ago at $110 oil.

    It’ll come back. Hang in there.