HONOLULU, Hawaii – A consortium of Japan Petroleum Exploitation, Mitsooey Bacon Grease and several other Japanese oil companies executed a surprise attack on the TexxonMogul terminal at Peril Harbor in Hawaii. Infiltrators left weeks-old sushi in the port lunchroom for the unsuspecting staff to find and consume. With everyone suffering from food poisoning, tankers crashed into the docks and each other. The number of sick and injured is not yet known but is expected to be in the tens. Immediately following the attack, TexxonMogul Chairman and CEO Max Avarice asked for and received a unanimous Declaration of War from his Board of Directors.
Mr. Avarice issued the following statement: “This unprovoked and blatant attack will not go unanswered. The damage to our tanker fleet is significant, but we have already ordered replacements from South Korea, Finland and Paraguay and they should begin arriving in about five years. Staff is being mobilized and reserves are being called up to active duty, even probables and possibles. All vacations except mine have been cancelled.”
ChevyTaxico Chairman Cheddar Cheese expressed his support. “I can’t stand that nasty little shit Avarice but an attack on one American oil company is an attack on all.” He announced that ChevyTaxico will institute a lend-lease program and re-assign ships from its own fleet to supplement TexxonMogul’s remaining tankers. A volunteer group of geologists and engineers is forming an expeditionary force to guard Las Vegas from a Japecks invasion.
Some observers see this as a major expansion of a world-wide conflict that started in Europe when Summershall GmbH of Germany joined with Lookoil of Russia to attack and partition Poland’s Polskie Gornictwo Naftower i Gazownictwo (PGNGiG). Summershall then formed a strategic alliance with Ente Nazionale Idioti (ENI) of Italy, whereupon France’s Total A. S. S. surrendered without even being asked. Regal Douche Shill moved all operations from The Hague to London to avoid capture and is now closely aligned with British Petroleum Jelly (BPJ). BPJ, in its finest hour, refused all demands from Summershall and ENI for capitulation, vowing to fight to the last barrel. A number of British Commonwealth oil companies have offered support.
The reason for the attack is not clear. In a letter to the World Petroleum Council, Japecks and its partners claimed that they had no choice. TexxonMogul had raised the price of gasoline in Japan by 40 yen despite the collapse of crude prices and was sending the country into yet another recession. Furthermore, Mr. Avarice had made fun of sumo wrestling and Japanese baseball.