Keystone Pipeline cancelled after massive water main break in China

WASHINGTON, DC – A massive water main break in Duo Dong, the capital city of the Chinese province of Li Ying Fuc, has flooded over 32 blocks of the sprawling suburb and left 13 local residents without a home. The flooding washed away homes, some businesses, and many bicycles. Significant destruction was recorded throughout the region on busy streets and backyards. Witnesses described the scene:

flooding witness
Sum Ting Wong describing something wrong

我正坐在我的客廳享受一些薑茶,當所有的突然我的腳濕了。我簡直不敢相信發生了什麼事。我跑到外面,發現我的自行車飄走,其次是我的自行車,然後我的燒烤。水是無處不在,我不知道它來自何方。

(I was sitting in my living room enjoying some ginger tea, when all of the sudden my feet got wet. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I ran outside and noticed my bike floating away, followed by my bicycle, and then my BBQ. Water was everywhere and I didn’t know where it was coming from.) – Sum Ting Wong, witness

2P News learned that shortly after this story made it across the Pacific Ocean to America, President Obama instantly, and without warning, autocratically cancelled the Keystone Pipeline on grounds that it is a disaster waiting to happen. The water main break in Duo Dong was all the evidence that Mr. President needed to make that call.

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An upset President Obama

To my beloved American people… there is… there is no way… no way that I can in good conscious continue with the Keystone project. No way… Nu-huh… Not happenin’.

The water main break in the Li Ying Fuc area of our great asian neighbour China… could… happen… anywhere there is a pipeline. And the proposed Keystone project, it, too, is a pipeline, and we… standing together as one nation, under God… whatever His name might be… cannot accept the risk of failure.

Opposition leaders argue that a water main failure thousands of miles away is a far cry from the Keystone Pipeline project, but they also conceded to the hidden point that Mr. Obama made in his press release. In particular, the 2 sides agreed that the very engineers and pipe drafters employed to build the failed water main would be the ones who design and build the Keystone pipeline.  Hollimorton’s Chinese Division owns the project, as USA and European teams are already tasked elsewhere designing Syrian and Ukranian food truck strategies.

我们有信心在我们的能力来完成这件事非常快,比美国的工程师非常好。也最具成本更低.
(We are confident in our abilities to get this done very quick and very better than American engineers.  Also most cost less) – Design Engineer Gooling Chan, Jamjar China

nekfudge
Sen. Fiona Nekfudge

Opposition from Senator Nekfudge (Republican, Nebraska), came quickly, swiftly and fast.  She had terse words for Obama and his knee jerk reaction to a simple water main break in another country.

The line was 49 years old Mr. Obama.  What the F&#K!?  You are such a dolt.  Knee jerk?  You definitely jerked something.  What’s next?  A man gets diahrea [sic] from bad chicken in New Delhi and you ban poultry farms?  Jebus Christmas. And I thought my husband was an idiot. – Sen. Fiona Nekfudge