We don’t need a pipeline, OIL FLOATS!

Calgary, Alberta – Trans American Global Pipeline LLC has rocked the world with the announcement it is going to abandon all pipelines by 2020.  Shut in, cleaned out, removed and reclaimed.  Or so the press release reads.

While at first this was a boon for anti-oil lobby groups, who surely celebrated with screams and cheers of ‘winning like Charlie Sheen’.  The truth is less than perfect, and that TAGP has a new and far simpler plan in the works.  One that may not be well received at all by those eco-groups when the cheers die down and they actually pay attention.  TAGP plans to use North Americas existing river network to literally float the oil from northern regions to southern refineries in Texas.

Davis McGlander and his cat, Pookins
Davis McGlander and his cat, Pookins

We see this as win win for everyone. (Davis McGlander, COO of TAGP) We face roiling battles everyday in every court, and every news paper and television station in the world.  Do pipelines leak?  Okay, sure, we can admit that.  Are they safe?  Not really.  Are we going to have spills?  Absolutely.  Are we accountable for the clean up when it happens?  Yessiree Bobbee.  So if spills and leaks are a certainty, why beat around the proverbial bush.  Let’s just put the oil in the rivers now, save the drama, and clean it up in one fell swoop when someone invents a better way to move us and heat our homes.  Sounds good to us.  Sounds good to our shareholders.  Done deal.

The plan put forward, and already approved by the Redford government in Alberta, has many facets to it.  Including the installation of oil sluicing and  metering instruments at water treatment facilities in major centers, and at all of the hydro facilities along waterways used.  There is also a need to begin closing those waterways to public use to make sure that no oil is tracked or slopped onto nearby pastures or beaches.

Daisy Fidgehutter
Daisy Fidgehutter

We need to ensure that this plan does not do any damage to our delicate eco systems.  We can clean up the rivers later, they’ll basically flush themselves out if we pump enough Palmolive into them from the headwaters in McMurray.  What we cannot tolerate is the contamination of the adjacent flora by reckless boaters and hikers, or cattle.  There will need to be a separation fence constructed to make sure that policy is enforced. – Daisy Fidgehutter, Environmental Coordinator, TAGP

 

27 major waterways have been selected for initial runs, 5 of which will carry oil sands bitumen.  The properties of the bitumen preclude floating it down the river however, and an additional bit of work was done by an Iranian government research team to find the right combination of chemicals to make the product float reliably enough to make it to West Texas.

iranian
Al Quaide Domaan Hussar Caribe Jomuin Finnar Hussein, trying to win a “Look-Like-The-Dictator” contest in Iran, 2012

We found a very stable chemical in one of our trials for, errrr…, nuclear power.  It can create surface tension, and lots of other tension (giggles), around anything it bonds to.  Bitumen is not a problem, it should work very well. – Al Quaide Domaan Hussar Caribe Jomuin Finnar Hussein – INRA

 

With the approval already passed in Alberta at a provincial level, it is expected to be rubber stamped in the USA as well, as it may be the first time in history that oil companies have been honest with the peoples public, regardless of whether it is a bad idea or a good one.  Plans to test the theory are already passing through the hands of international petroleum brokers and refiners, as the possibility of using oceanic current to direct the flow of oil on the surface of oceans may be feasible in the future.  And although there is no official response yet, an assured outrage from the environmental lobby will be heard once they wake up from the comas they fell into upon hearing the news.

An example of how oil would flow, artists rendering of course (pumpjacks are not that big, even if Thomas Mulclair says they are)
An example of how oil would flow, artists rendering of course (pumpjacks are not that big, even if Thomas Mulclair says they are)

 

 

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