CALGARY, Alberta – World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) spokesman Roland Stownd revealed today that as a special event at the upcoming annual WrestleMania extravaganza at the Scotiabank Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, two prominent oil and gas executives will compete in a mud-wrestling contest.
He explained that the pit will be filled with non-toxic drilling mud used in many exploration and production wells with the objective of demonstrating its safety. Mr. Stownd said, “It will be just good clean fun. A fire truck will be standing by to hose them down after the match.”
The contestants are Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn of Bendovus Energy and Bruce Richardson of Cheaterson Energy, both companies headquartered in Calgary. It is believed that local interest in seeing the two executives make fools of themselves will significantly boost ticket sales.
Rather than accept a fee, both men have designated a favorite charity that WWE will make a donation to in their names. Mr. Dèng selected the Toy Poodle Rescue League in Ft. McMurray and Mr. Richardson selected the Shelter for Underpaid CEOs in the Britannia neighborhood of Calgary.
Getting into the spirit of the event, Mr. Richardson began the trash-talking by saying of Mr. Dèng, “The only way that tub of lard can win is if he accidentally falls on top of me. Then it would take a forklift to get him off. I’ll just make him chase me for a couple of minutes and he’ll collapse from fatigue.”
Mr. Dèng responded with, “Richardson’s such a wimp that as soon as I get in the pit with him he’ll pee in his pants so much that it’ll cut the mud weight by two points. Come to think of it, that just might be his strategy for winning by default. No sane person would roll around in that stuff after he’s been in it, but I plan on wearing a Level B hazmat suit.”
WWE is making a major effort to appeal to Canadian fans. A match between Bulk Bogan and three members of the Calgary Flames will allow the use of hockey sticks as weapons inside a steel cage.
Moosepeace Beer will sponsor a chugging contest between the “world’s largest athlete”, the 7 ft. 450 lb. Big Slow and everyone else. He’ll take on all comers one at a time until he passes out, estimated to come after consuming six cases. The loser of a grudge match between Dandy Horton and Don Seena will have to eat a caribou turd.