Yellowstone Supervolcano Erupts; Mankind Doomed

Yellowstone supervolcano erupting

The supervolcano in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming that had been dormant for 640,000 years erupted yesterday, spewing hundreds of millions of tons of ash into the atmosphere and lava covering hundreds of square kilometers. Based on measurements of previous eruptions at Yellowstone, volcanologists at the U. S. National Center for the Study of Really Bad Things in Hot Springs, Arkansas predicted that the eruption would continue for months and cover half of North America with an average 10 meters of lava and ash. Ash and dust will contaminate the atmosphere of the entire planet for decades.

Former U. S. VP Al Gore
Former U. S. VP Al Gore

The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration issued a statement saying that all the volcanic material entering the atmosphere will block sunlight and bring on a new Ice Age. The statement went on to say that as a consequence most food sources would fail, global communications would be disrupted and Justin Bieber would make a comeback. There was an immediate run on heavy winter coats, thermal socks, non-perishable food supplies and earplugs. Former U. S. Vice-President Al Gore, a leading spokesman for Global Warming activists, said, “Well shit, what am I going to do now? Harangue people into releasing more greenhouse gases to re-heat the Earth? That would make me look pretty stupid.  Wanna buy a slightly used Toyota Prius?”

Science fiction and alternate history author Harry Turtledove recently wrote a trilogy of novels with a plot based on a Yellowstone eruption. When asked for a comment on his fiction becoming reality, he replied, “All those ‘great literature’ authors who snub me at writers’ conferences can kiss my wrinkled old butt. Nyah, nyah, nyah!”

Park Ranger Yoag E. Behr
Park Ranger Yoag E. Behr

Meanwhile, back at Yellowstone, Park Ranger Yoag E. Behr reported, “The eruption has sure cut down on the car and foot traffic through the park. I have to admit, though, the heat from the volcano is getting to be a bit much. We measured the air temperature here at park headquarters and it was 362°C. I had to bring in an extra fan for my office and the break room refrigerator quit working, but we don’t need to use the microwave any more to heat up a burrito.”

When asked how the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) and the rest of the federal government will respond to such an overwhelming disaster, U. S. President Barack Obama said, “To hell with this. I’m taking Air Force One and heading for Hawaii.  The rest of you losers are on your own.”